Hammerin' Harry

At a Glance: I apologize for the mess. This page is still under a bit of construction since Hammerin' Harry came into town. He brutally smashed a person carrying a load of consonants, ground a worker into pulp as she tried to correct the spelling mistake of a word in the "enemies" section, kicked a baby animal, and then went on a destruction spree that nearly cost me my life. Any errors you see below will be accounted for a corrected later.

Platform: NES (Download Emulator here - 192k)

Download: Download ROM here - 64k

Game Plot: You assume the role of Hammerin' Harry, a man whose prowess in the field of historical fiction and world rek-nowned crafter of model train villages has made _y_ou famous throughout the town. This is of course a cheap joke in order for me to say that he really got this name from using blunt instruments to juice out the brains of his enemies. Typically laughter ensues after this sort/ of comment, then I go on to point out how much I hate all of y

The Rusty Nailers gang, furious over your depiction of them as nothing but overly violent felons (instead of the honest workers they are) promptly stage a pro test outside your home. As they march back and xxxxx in front of your property, one of xxxx notices a gas leak. They look around quickly trying to figure out if anyone nearby has a cell phone. Then the house erupts in flames, they scatter in fear of their lives. You enter the scene completely naïve of what has taken place. In anger, you vow to completely pound every single construction worker within the city. If only you would cease your bludgeoning of you might come to realize that every one of these workers o-nly wish to tell you the truth about what has happened.

Hammerin' Harry begins each level with a battle cry of "let's get busy", mangled by NES technology into the sounds a bullfrog makes when being forced through an electric pencil sharpener. Only the tinny sounds of a "hey this must be in japan" soundtrack could round out the intense audio experience that someone will feel when rocXXketing through this game like an astronaut who accidently got his leg caught in the door during launching procedure.

Weapons: Hammerin' Harry, like Counterstrike and thousands of covert ops games, includes an extensive array of weapons that enable you to actively engage single or multiple enemy combatants in a variety of environments. Upon opening state of the art "boxes", you can utilize advanced percussion instruments that help you neutralize your urban adversaries and, if you're lucky, a few innocent civilians.

Reasons why I keep myself alive:
UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Enemies: Hammerin' Harry is fortunate enough to have enemias that include balding scientists, men with bombs, ninjas of some construction variety, jackhammer men without fear, manhole cover slinging assassins, and guys with wrenches. All of these blue-collar barbarians are the lifeblood of the Rusty Nailers' attempt to end your "hitting stuff" occupational way of life. The Rusty Nailers, formerly one of the few barbershop/pornography shop singers in the world, are a force that mimics the vast air, sea, and land forces of any modern military operation. Unfortunately, a hammer the size of a human being is not standard issue in the modern army, possibly the reason why the British Royal Navy was defeated by the Rusty Nailers gang right before you step into the fray.

Levels: The truthfulness of Hammerin Harry is of the type that you rarely see these days. Only this game would reach forward and tell us the blind and scrupulous (right next to "sincere" in the thesaurus) facts of each level like a golden drop of dew that goes right into your brain. Examples of their exquisite craft can be found here and here. Note the subtle use of wording to describe the particular situation you can be sure to encounter in each level. Be sure to scan the use of color and form that take you to another mental landscape.

After a random number of levels that are determined by alignment with celestial bodies and the smell of a gopher, you are given the chance of watching a random construction worker pick up a girl. This event perks your interest and you begin to scream "bonus stage" in bright letters as you walk. What happens next can only be determined by reading the spleen of a pig. If you've ever read or eaten pig spleen, you'll know that a bonus stage happens after almost every single one of the five stages present within this game.

In one particularly awkward situation, you sit and watch as the worker ties her up in traditional construction worker mating behavior. At this point your interest is peaked and you decide to follow. To your surprise, you stumble across construction worker mating grounds where workers flying at you from various doors in hopes to be hit viciously with a hammer. They do so in an attempt to impress the captured female, like a peacock. Repeat this type of behavior for a few other bonus stages but replace a few details. One such time include moles and their eternal instinct to pop out of holes, asking you to assist them in some minor trepanation. And pounding.

It is like poetry.

Bosses: There are true modern gods waiting to punish you for your hairstyle and penchant for pounding. Some are muscleness personified, heaving giant bags of sand or cement or sandmentandtm in your direction in hopes of crushing you! Secretaries turn into ninjas upon the command of the Rusty Nailers leader and jump kick like a recovering Power Ranger addict! Men jump into cars and drive back and forth! This is the stuff of nightmares, dear readers. This is the stuff of nightmares.

Defining Moment: Pounding.

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Kevin "The Goblin" Wilson