Dual Heroes

The final boss. Wow. Gameplay: Gameplay is really simple. Just press 'A' repeatedly. When that stops working press down on the C-pad (the yellow ones) repeatedly. In about 10 minutes you'll have beaten the game. Dual Heroes has some of the worst computer AI I have ever seen in a game, almost as bad as Oblivion. On stages with no walls sometimes opponents will fall off the platform entirely on their own, giving you the win. Don't trust what the screen says though, there are no winners in this game.

I don't know if there are any special moves. If you managed to find one then give yourself a pat on the back, you value your time way less than I value mine.

There's also a special mode called "Robot". Players can train an "AI Robot" which mimics the way you fight. Essentially you beat on another character that doesn't move and it somehow creates an AI profile. A bar fills up with red, blue, or green depending on what useless moves you use. Eventually it'll start punching back, essentially "mimicking" your fighting "style". The only move the AI robot learned when I trained it was how to press start and select "EXIT".

Next to each life bar is a portrait of the characters fighting which show their facial expressions as the fight progresses. Expressions range from surprised to constipated. This adds a much needed sense of drama to the action that is so sorely missing in other titles.

Graphics: You can spot a Nintendo 64 game from a mile away. If the textures look like they were photographed with a cell phone camera, copied to VHS tape, copied to another VHS tape, imported into the computer and saved as a low quality JPEG, and then the computer was chucked into a fire, you know you're playing a Nintendo 64 game.

Welcome to the stage of history. Occasionally bad graphics can be overcome by superior art direction. Not in Dual Heroes! I don't know what kind of atmosphere they were going for but one stage looks like an Oriental rug suspended in mid-air in front of a blurry background. Remember to take off your shoes before each fight. I'm not sure what the backgrounds are supposed to represent. One looks like a space train with a mustache.

Thanks to help from choreographer Paula Abdul some characters do a little dance before and after each match. I haven't seen such baffling use of motion capture animation since Space Channel 5. I think the motion capture actors they used were 6-year-olds who just saw their first Britney Spears video. They move with grace, spinning and thrusting their crotches like pros. The fighters that don't dance show us their best Power Rangers impression. Let it sit at the title screen to see the poorly designed characters bust out some phat moves. I can't stop laughing.

The 3D characters were crafted by PolygonMagic Inc. I'm not sure what kind of magic they do, but this game was the equivalent of screwing up the magic trick and actually sawing the woman in the box in half, killing her instantly. The sound deserves special mention here, if only because the song that plays when you win a match sounds like the winning theme from Day of Defeat. I thought this was outer space not Salerno, Italy.

According to the credits, quality control was done by Hiroyuki Ohta, Hideki Mifuji, and Tetsuya Komatsu. All three of these men have been executed by the Japanese government. Special thanks was given to Yuusuke Mori, Daisuke Yano, and Kimio Yamamura among others, presumably for looking the other way while this game was in development.

Defining Moment: This. Watch out dial-up users! It has kilobytes!

Bottom Line: There are some games that are only purchased by confused grandparents looking for a great gift for their grandchild but instead manage to pick the worst game in the store. Dual Heroes is one of those games. HyperZone for SNES was another. I had an aunt buy me that piece of shit. Jokes on her, she's dead now.

With the release of Dual Heroes the top fighting games on Nintendo 64 look a little like this:

1. Super Smash Bros.
2. Mortal Kombat 4
3. ClayFighter 63 1/3
4. Xena: Warrior Princess and the Talisman of Fate
5. Dual Heroes

Hey, at least it's in the top five!

– Hassan "Acetone" Mikal