Baby Boomer

Color Dreams has provided an intro screen just in case you forgot any key elements of the plot, like the fact that this game is about a baby.

Game Plot: A prototype milk-powered cyborg baby has escaped from a government research facility at the local park. As our best sniper, you must prevent this technology from falling into the hands of communist insects and skeletons that want to destroy the American way of life. If you are killed in this deadly crawling rampage, the U.S. government will disavow any knowledge of your embarassingly stupid mission.

Okay, that plot summary was mostly speculation. What I do know is that Baby Boomer was one of those shitty Zapper games you could win at by pointing the gun at a lamp when your friend wasn't looking. The point of the game is basically to shoot at everything on the screen except the "nuggets", which are either gold or some kind of radioactive meat. I'm guessing they're supposed to be meat, since there isn't a whole lot a baby can do with gold besides choke on it and flush it down the toilet. Oh, and it doesn't matter if you shoot the baby, since it's one of those genetically-modified super babies that are only vulnerable to small woodland creatures.

The most insane thing about the premise of this game is that Baby Boomer needs a constant supply of milk to live. It was pretty fucked up when you ate 5 trays of food per level in Wolfenstein 3D, but at least id software knew not to make the life bar decrease every second you weren't cramming Nazi mashed potatos into your mouth. It's a good thing that taking parenting advice from your Nintendo never caught on, because then instead of crappy ROMs, we'd be remembering the 1980's for the record number of kids who got milked to death or eaten by their pet blobs.

Basically, the deformed freak-baby adds a whole extra layer of annoyance to what was already a thoroughly unenjoyable bug killing simulation. If you're looking for two Bad Dudes to rescue the president, you have thousands of streetwise, break-dancing teens to choose from. But if you're trying to assemble a crack commando unit to protect a mutant baby with an insatiable hunger for milk and meat products, you'd better check the U.S. penal system, because the only people who want to save babies that much are probably already serving life sentences for blowing up abortion clinics.

Enemies:
From the manual:

Spider, Snake, Chain Saw, Devil, Spook, Hammer, Missile, Pickaxe, Rat, Raven, Rock, Riveter, Skeleton, Ghost, Bat, Cat.

One reason NES games were always so difficult was that everything in the fucking universe was trying to kill you. You could play a game where the goal was to brush your teeth and still count on being attacked by 40 different types of cats, dinosaurs, and periodic elements. Baby Boomer gives us conclusive proof that nature hates babies, as video game scientists are still attempting to classify the thousands of species of insects you have to shoot in this game.

The heroic infant continues his quest for delicious nuggets and life-sustaining dairy products. Godspeed, Baby Boomer!

Number of Levels: The park and cemetary stages are easy, but once you reach the third level everything goes insane and enemies start appearing out of thin air. I already knew I was pretty much fucked when I found out I was going to be playing this game without the aid of a plastic gun peripheral, but dying on the third level must've totally broken my confidence because I couldn't get past the first pit in the game after that. Eventually a screen came up saying that the U.S. board of child welfare had been notified and I will never be allowed to have kids.

At the beginning of each level the game gives you stupid hints like "Beware of things that go bump in the night" and "Baby Boomer doesn't like the looks of this place". It's a pretty accurate depiction of what it would be like if your mentally challenged uncle died and came back as a magical wisecracking Nintendo, which is probably a much better idea for a video game than this crap.

Weapons: Just a crosshair and the crawling fury of an ugly baby with nothing to lose.

Number of Bosses: The skeletons are kind of like bosses, assuming that making me cry is the only requirement for being a boss. Looking on helplessly as your baby falls into a pool of lava may be every parent's worst nightmare, but taking on reanimated human remains without a Zapper is mine.

Defining Moment: The way the game, after a while, makes you feel like a heartless killer. I didn't sign up for this mission because I wanted to kill cute little animals. I just heard that a baby was in trouble and did what I thought was right at the time. I never expected a parade or anything, but a simple "thank you" would've been nice. And maybe a custom embroidered "#1 BABY SAVER" sash to wear to fancy restaurants and Nascar events. Anyway, don't play this game.

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Jedidiah (@notoriousamoeba)