Awful Sports

Page Twelve: Welcome to Camp Crap

We will start things off with this "liquorhead" tragedy of an image. I'm not sure what the hell kind of thought process went into this, as it's so mind bogglingly asinine it physically hurt me when I saw it. It's some sort of hallucinogenic take on racquetball; only with a bloated Buddy Hackett's disembodied head acting as a sort of... Hell, I have no fucking clue. Buddy Hackett's appearance is there for the purpose of using the "Hackettball" pun. You'd never have imagined, but nobody noticed the pun. Against all logic, this image got a positive response, if only for its complete absurdity. I'm ashamed to admit this, but this ghastly Frankenstein of an image caused me to laugh for ten minutes solid. It gets special recognition as the funniest worst image I've ever seen. I don't know how or why, but somehow comedy wormed itself out of this hideous corpse.

Unlike the last entry, which redeemed itself in many ways, "Ursula's" image does quite the opposite. The only thing comical about Marilyn Manson is his music, not his appearance. His appearance is one of complete desperation and stupidity. Even still, he deserved far better than what "Ursula" did to him. Where is the joke? That the Hudson River is polluted? Please excuse me while I vomit up bile from laughing so hard. I'll tell you what else is polluted – our gene pool. The pollutant: none other than "Ursula."

"Salamando" really did a bang up job with this one. Take special note of the high quality source images he worked from. It's not a good idea to use source images that look ten times worse than the average skanky camwhoere, but then maybe "Salamando" is attracted to trash. To make things better, there is a cannon awkwardly cut and pasted in. It doesn't even match the perspective, but since when do rotten ideas executed poorly have to look good? To round things out, there are some nice expert usages of text, complete with white backgrounds. There is also some sort of needless beveling going on, but I think that's probably just because he worked from shitty source media. If I may, when I took drivers ed some time ago, I learned of the IPDE process. I fully believe that the IPDE process can be your friend when Photoshopping images. How you ask? I'm glad you asked, because I'm going to explain. IPDE means four things: Identify, Predict, Decide, and Execute. When you plan to Photoshop something, identify all the source images you will need. Often times, the search for good images can take ten minutes to several hours. It just depends on whether you want to use tiny thumbnail-sized pictures from some Korean kids Bar Mitzvah or practical images ripe for manipulation. Once you have some source images, predict weather or not they will work together and what the final image will look like. If you foresee total destruction from mountain to shore, perhaps your sources aren't so good. Decide if the outcome is worth the investment of time. If you don't think the images will mesh together, start the process over again. Finally, once you've decided to go ahead, execute your idea. This my friends is how I avoided hitting a dog that ran out in the road ahead of me.

Anyway, here is "Salamando's" asstastic image:

"Voodoofly" is the despicable rapscallion responsible for this egregious assault of epidemic proportions. This image is so far beyond bad that it just numbs me to the point where I wouldn't care or even notice if somebody walked up and forcibly shoved a handful of sparkplug gappers down my throat. If there is a God, I think he probably just shot himself in the brain.

It's over! It's all over! Join us next week when we travel back in time and fight monsters in the Earth's core.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff