Zug Zug!!! Glow-Duke!!! Okee Dokee!!!

kekekekekeke!!!

If you have had absolutely any contact or interaction whatsoever with the Internet in the past two weeks, you're undoubtedly well aware of the fact that the smash hit feelgood sensation "Warcraft III" has been recently released to stores and software pirates across the globe. This is a tremendously exciting event, as Blizzard Software has an impeccable record of releasing revolutionary and completely original games time and time again. Just look at their previous titles and note the stunning, exponential increase in exciting innovative gameplay devices!

Warcraft I: Play as humans fighting the Orcs, or fight as Orcs playing the humans, or as a human playing the humans playing the Orcs fighting the humans. Either way it will just end up with you building a really long highway until your serial connection gets yanked out by your college roommate's ugly girlfriend.
Diablo I: Point and click your way through a world full of monsters... monsters that want to KILL YOU but you must KILL THEM FIRST! Although your character's strength, intelligence, and dexterity stats will increase based on the number of times you repeatedly smash the left mouse button, you will personally experience a decrease in your own strength, intelligence, and hygiene stats based on the number of hours you play.
Starcraft: It's not at all like Warcraft in space! It's something different! For example, can you perform peon rushes in Warcraft? Yeah, that's what I thought! Also there are no trees or lumber to harvest in space because that would just be silly. Make sure you have a lot of Space Supply Barns because the only way to colonize small square sections of the galaxy is by constructing countless Space Supply Barns. In addition to playing as humans, you can either choose to play as the Zerg (gross aliens) or the Protoss (Egyptian poop-shaped guys who somehow launched themselves into space).
Warcraft II: This game is completely different from Warcraft I, except in the regard that it is exactly the same (without the road-building part). I think maybe the trees and goldmines look more "realistic," but I don't remember. Oh, and there are turtle submarines.
Diablo II: Point and click your way through a world full of NEW monsters... NEW monsters that want to KILL YOU but you must KILL THEM FIRST! There are also a bunch of new character classes such as the Amazon, Barbarian, Necromancer, Neuromancer, Hamstermancer, and Haberdasher.
Warcraft II: Battle Expansion Chest Network Battle Net Hammer Claw Grabass Apple Cow Edition v.2.31: Expansion pack for Warcraft II that includes bugfixes, tweaks, and support for a wide variety of Korean slang which includes racist "dog eating" comments.
Starcraft Brood War: Oh no, the Broods are warring! Try to stop them by using your new units which include a slightly different spaceship that shoots missiles and a different type of enemy green bug.
Diablo II Lord of Destruction: Point and click your way through a NEW world full of NEW NEW monsters... NEW NEW monsters that want to KILL YOU but you must KILL THEM FIRST! Like any good expansion pack, this game includes new character classes that you will have to spend 40 consecutive days learning to play, such as the Druid and the Librarian.

A group of Americans futilely attempt to sit down and break down the Korean-Blizzard code.

Thanks to this hot lineup of games, Blizzard Entertainment has sold over 180 million billion jillion copies of their titles and are in greater circulation than The Bible and Dianetics combined. Most of these games are sold to highly foreign people like the Koreans, a mysterious group of folks who shoot each other outside of cyber-cafes and offer doctorate degrees in Orc Study. As any English-speaking human knows, the Koreans are very big fans of Blizzard Entertainment and routinely express this sentiment over the Battle.net chatroom with such intriguing conversations as the following:

MiKe12732: hey anybody want to play 2v2 no rush
Á¡½ÉÀº BK: kekekkeekekekekkeek
*w$ÅŒG!s: toss zerg terran v 2 idiotic toss n 1 good zerg
±ßQOQPWOL>: kekekekekekkekeeke ^_^
MiKe12732: what
*w$ÅŒG!s: ^_^
¼º±è ÇÏ°í ÈëÅä ÇÏ°í ºû³¯¿ä : toss zerg vs 2 idots, both toss. 2v2NOW =O hahaha. tok us more than 1ce to get game setup -___-
°¥ºñ... yum ^^: ^_-
MiKe12732: help

This exciting intellectual conversation is undoubtedly what inspired Blizzard Entertainment to produce the third installment in their Warcraft series, the appropriately named "Warcraft III: (Something) of (Something)." I think it's "Warcraft III: Reigns of Terror" or "Warcraft III: Moons of Torment" or "Warcraft III: Panty Eyes of Lust" or whatever. It doesn't really matter what comes after the "Warcraft III" part because that's the only section of the title that really matters. Now based on my previous comments regarding Blizzard's track record, you may think that perhaps Warcraft III isn't exactly the most revolutionary and creative product this side of the Pecos (the north side). However, Blizzard has managed to outperform their previous lofty goals and aspirations by completely revamping the Warcraft dynasty in an unexpected and original fashion which has been virtually unheard of in this stagnant gaming industry: they made their game 3D! It's this kind of bold step which has made whatever country Blizzard Entertainment is based in the world power they are today.

Hahaha! Oh no, fear the Fruity Elf Tree! Everybody run away!!! Ahaha!

"Warcraft III: Dark Hordes of Hoarding Darks" also offers... get ready here folks... new character classes to choose from! It's no longer a battle between Orcs and humans because two new races, the Undead and Fruity Elves, have joined the fray! Once again, each class has its strengths and weaknesses, making this game yet another complex version of "Rock, Paper, Scissors" only without the office appliances. Based off my brief and highly ignorant playing experiences, here is a rundown and overview of each class:

HUMANS: The basic, easy class for retarded people like me. Buildings include castles, workshops, towers, mansions, Maniac Mansions, Taco Bells, farms, Peppridge Farms, and Human-Producing Stations that generate guys from a lump of gold and wood. Some of the more popular units include a wide array of "holy" characters that heal you, fight for God, and molest young Orcs behind the lumber mill. By upgrading all your buildings and units to their maximum level, you may produce the coveted "Jesus Christ" unit which is adept at destroying the homosexual Fruity Elves.
ORCS: The Orc race embraces chaos and the color green, not exactly in that particular order. Their prime motivation is to eat or destroy things, so keep this in mind if you're ever asked to double-date with an Orc. They aren't as technically advanced as the humans, but they do have evil spells and usually carry colored flags around on their backs to show their allegiance to colored flags.
UNDEAD: The dead, after growing bored of not living for a long time, apparently decided to rise up and become living once again. Well, they're still dead, but they're living. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it invariably results in them being cranky and wanting to kill everything that lives, including trees and dirt and you. They are full of plague and disease, so if you see an undead hitchhiker alongside the road, don't bother picking him up unless you have plenty of Nuprin available in the glove compartment.
FRUITY ELVES: The Fruity Elves use nature and the power of trees to help them kill whatever they're trying to kill. Nature provides them with invaluable resources such as big cats and large inebriated trees to meet the lofty goal of murdering everybody else. I'm sure the Fruity Elves are just the absolutely most wonderful race to play, but that goddamn silly waving tree of theirs makes me laugh uncontrollably every time I see it. I guess nature has a really goofy sense of humor.

Since I'm painfully retarded (as previously mentioned), I always play as the humans because I can easily remember that building a Lumber Mill directly increases the production of lumber. Every other race has some goofy way of mining gold and gathering wood; for example, the Undead have to build a Bone Temple that sacrifices kittens to their unholy lord who then gives them a Pelvic Bone Queen who may construct a Bone Hole which manufactures skeletal balloon soldiers who work in conjunction with the Undead Grieving Widow unit to take each individual tree apart and suck the juices from it, spit them into a frying pan, and thereby build a bone zeppelin which harvests wood souls. In addition, the humans are also able to build watch towers, which are essentially shitty and useless but I still construct them everywhere anyway (for an explanation why, please see the "I'm retarded" part mentioned before).

Yeah!

Now while this is all well and good, there is an unfortunate downfall in the otherwise pristine and perfect world of "Warcraft III: Lunchboxes of Disaster"; the artificial intelligence. Simply put, it's 100% fucking impossible to play against the computer in multiplayer mode. Emily and I have attempted to team up and compete against the computer time and time again, and in each instance we've been beaten around like Jon Benet Ramsey. The only way to prevent the computer from kicking your ass is to simply turn off the computer as soon as you start up or load a multiplayer game. To add insult to injury, there's absolutely NO way to adjust its artificial intelligence setting, which is always set to "CRUSH, KILL, DESTROY" by default. There have been certain games I've played in which the computer has made up completely fictional units such as the "Rotating Selectable Lobster Loaf" and "Nuclear Undead Car Salesman Underwater Flute Instructor" which can crush my entire village with one single attack. The computer at least had an adjustable AI setting in Warcraft II, which offered three distinct choices:

EASY: After playing the game for 50 minutes, the computer will have successfully constructed one farm and three peons, each of which are harvesting lumber for no reason.
NORMAL: The computer produces about one unit for each one you make, but then proceeds to send them all into the one rigged area of your town where anything entering will be instantly killed.
HARD: All the computer's units move at 400% the normal speed and can call in tactical nuclear strikes at will.

Although these difficulty settings were somewhat imbalanced, at least they offered a choice in Warcraft II. "Warcraft III: Foreboding Thrones of Eternal Fermenting" just sets each enemy to "MASSACRE" mode and lets you deal with it. During the time it takes you to make two farms and harvest 500 gold, the computer will already have an army of 15 million and a complete set of "heroes" that are level eternity and can slaughter every character from every game installed onto your computer from at least three months ago. Sometimes they use laser guns and grenades too.

Let me wrap up this article by making a few things clear: both Emily and I really enjoy "Warcraft III: High Horses of Moral Imperative." The graphics and special effects are great, the single player campaign is remarkably fun, and the different classes each have their own special traits which make experimenting with them highly entertaining. Warcraft III is definitely one of my all-time favorite RTS games and I truly enjoy playing it despite the fact that it's essentially the same game as its predecessors except with improved graphics (BUT IT'S IN 3D!!! 3D GODDAMMIT!!! EVERYTHING MUST BE IN 3D!!!). The only thing preventing "Warcraft III: Horns of Oblivion" from being on the top of my RTS list is its horribly impossible and infuriating multiplayer AI which was apparently built to slightly challenge most grade school Koreans. Hopefully Blizzard will release a patch in the near future that dumbs down the computer to the point where I have a chance to build a scout tower before his Demon Dread Lord Hero Psycho Hairdresser casts "DESTROY WORLD" on the entire map.

If you're reading this Blizzard, and I definitely know you're not, please, for the love of god, fix the computer AI. I'm begging you here. Either do that or release a patch that makes me more intelligent. Try not to include any additional Korean language support with it.

So Much Gold, You Could Pawn it to Support Your Drug Habit!

Hola, amigos! That's French, probably, and it's a language I don't speak! But anyway, there is a new edition of the number one rated Mexican soap opera, The Goldmine available for you to see! This week is all about bumper stickers. Created for your enjoyment, feel free to print these out and strut your stuff like a sissy little fancyboy! Let's take a look at this week's episode...

Don't wait! Supplies are limited! Get it while you can! Before you regret it!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)