No One Cares About How Few Cavities You Have

Do you have a mouth that is cavity free? Do you find yourself talking about this detail often? Stop. There are two types of people in the world, and whichever one is filled with people who feel the urge to brag about never having cavities is the bad one. Not sure which camp you fit in? Here’s a test: If someone is talking about how their insurance won’t cover their six root canals, is your first reaction to blurt out that your teeth are pretty much made out of Wolverine’s Adamantium?

It's petty, sure, but please stop. No one cares. It isn't an interesting trait. When someone is lamenting over their excruciating pain, they really don’t need to hear you boasting about your rock hard teeth. Sure, you might fancy yourself as an oral hygienist’s wet dream, but to everyone else you're just being an asshole.

Do you think you're a superhero? Is having abuse-resistant molars your unique skill upon this earth? When you imagine your teeth do they look like that smiling clipart version that's holding a toothbrush? Or maybe you think you're cavity-free mouth will shock the people around you? Like the average stranger's teeth are nothing but clumps of moist talcum powder? No one will praise you for this merit.

You don't need to keep it a secret, just try not to forcibly wedge dental hygiene into so many conversations. Someone asks you how many cavities you have? Fine. Someone discusses what it's like having a cavity filled? Maybe. Someone mentions the word dentist? No. Shut up. Even if you're in love with your cavity-free lifestyle, you're pretty much triggered if you hear any of these keywords: tooth, teeth, mouth, drill, drilling, fracking, exciting personal facts, perfection. You’re the malware of mouth conversations, silently diverting every tangential subject towards the clickbait "Man’s teeth baffles dentist. Everyone hates him."

And you don't need to rub it in further by following up with "and I don't even try!" It's nice that you don't feel the need to floss or visit a dentist on a regular schedule, but a lot of people do. They're called adults. When you brag about how your teeth manage to withstand the terrible treatment you subject them too, it doesn't make your teeth sound better-- it makes you sound worse. Basic oral care is more than a permanent record cavity count. So just because you don't get drilled doesn't mean your mouth isn't a grotesque den of disease. Maybe your gum line looks like the tile grouting in a dorm restroom. Maybe your tongue is baked with a mossy white film or your breath smells like fermented pineapple. All the while your teeth are desperately trying to maintain themselves, but like Cicero defending the Roman Republic, they're fighting an already lost battle. That's a nerdy reference, but, umm, stop being gross.

Some people have strong teeth, some people have weak teeth. You're on the good side. Congratulations. Is that not enough?

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)