Writing for Television

COMEDYMost "comedy" writing on television is just terrible and bland. Here's an example of a typical "King of Queens" joke:

Husband: I can't find my car keys!
Wife: Maybe you should be less forgetful!
Husband: I remembered your birthday last year!
Wife: Yes, but only after I reminded you!
*audience laughs*

That's weak. I've decided to break into television writing. I'm going to make sitcoms actually funny. These shows need to add some edgy, Internet humor to the mix!

To accomplish this noble goal, I've written what the industry calls a "spec script." I sent it out to a bunch of production companies, but for some reason I haven't got any job offers yet. Maybe I mistyped my address or something. Anyway, here's my spec script for "Everybody Loves Raymond," a show that I think I saw part of once:

Everybody Loves Raymond Spec Script
"An Apple a Day..."
By Kevin Bowen

Raymond enters the living room to greet his wife, Debra.

RAYMOND: Honey, I'm home!

DEBRA: How was your day, dear?

RAYMOND: It was great! I just bought one of these new Apple iPod Nanos! Look at it! It's so small!

DEBRA: Oh great, just what you need! Another small thing in your pants!

RAYMOND: Oh yeah? Uh, well... unlike you, my iPod has 4GB of storage space!

DEBRA: Oooh, you really "owned" me there, Ray. No, but seriously, you're a materialistic, gullible, hipster-scumbag-sap for buying that useless overpriced piece of glossy shit. And why'd you buy ANOTHER iPod when you already have two other revisions?

RAYMOND: (winking at camera) Gotta catch 'em all!

Raymond's father, Frank, enters the room.

FRANK: You assholes chatting about iPods?

RAYMOND: We sure are, Grandpa Frank!

FRANK: You know I finally saw something awesome yesterday down at the Apple store.

RAYMOND: Oh yeah, what was that? Those new cinema-sized monitors?

FRANK: No, it was a dead trendwhore! The little emo piece of shit choked to death on his earbud headphones!

Raymond's two kids, Ally and Geoffrey, come running into the room.

ALLY: Dad! Geoffrey posted naked pictures of me again on an Internet forum!

RAYMOND: Geoffrey! What did I tell you about doing that!

Raymond motions for Geoffrey to come closer, then whispers into his ear:

RAYMOND: Don't post naked pictures of your sister online without getting my "admin approval!"

Raymond pats his son on the head.

RAYMOND: Now get the hell out of here before I ban your asses!

The kids run out of the room.

RAYMOND: Well, I guess I'm going to go update my blog now.

FRANK: I heard today that Microsoft is shipping seven different versions of Windows Vista, their next operating system. I already bought the good version of Vista, though: it's called Linux!

DEBRA: And what's the deal with that new Nintendo Revolution controller? I guess it detects motion, right? I wonder if it will be able to detect me throwing that conceptual disaster into the trash!

RAYMOND: Whoa, whoa, watch your language guys! I'm podcasting this entire conversation to an RSS feed right now!

FRANK: Hey you know what RSS stands for, don't ya Raymond?

RAYMOND: No, what?

FRANK: Really Stupid Shit!

DEBRA: GG

Anyways, that's just a fraction of my awesome script. I'll let you guys know when I get hired by "Two and a Half Men" or whatever.

– Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen