Writer's Conference Schedule of Events

Appearances matter. Start the day off with the latest updates on the fashion front. Are leather laptop cases preferred by editors? Is a Moleskine still the must have item? Do stories written on Apple computers really have a higher chance at getting read? Bonus: First fifteen admitted receive free oversized trench coat!

Aside from a pencil and pad of paper, social networking should be your number one tool. Hear tips from experts on how to promote your blog and self published memoir up to ninety times a day through a variety of websites. Turn your friends and distant family into customers! Don't be a twit, tweet!

Of the seven books you've read in your life one was The Great Gatsby, another was Wuthering Heights, which you sort of skimmed, and the other five were by Palahniuk. Now that you've decided you're suited to be a writer, learn the tricks from the most original, creative writer of the century. Twists! Shock! Repetitive Prose!

Hello? Anyone? Please, just for a second, hear me. Validate my existence.

Stop what you're doing and listen to an in depth analysis on the current writing world. Nothing, we repeat, nothing can brace you for what you are about to witness.

Stop what you're doing and listen to an in depth analysis on the current writing world. Nothing, we repeat, nothing can brace you for what you are about to witness.

An elderly gentleman in a barrette discusses things with a man holding a cane and cigar. Riveting scholarly discussion! Hear stories about faded glory, old episodes of 60 Minutes, and the ills of consuming tap water.

Don't get your author's bio photograph taken without coming here first. Fat jaw? Weak jaw? No jaw?! No problem! Cover your problems with facial hair. A database of over five hundred famous bearded authors to match your face to. Once you have a goal, start growing and be an author. Women and Roger Ebert asked not to apply.

12. Send a letter to your favorite writer. 67. Poke favorite writer on Facebook. 94. Wave your hands around really fast outside favorite writer's home. And 98 more!

Step-by-step guide on becoming a snively, pretentious nineteen year old. Prove everyone you meet that reading a million page novel truly makes you better than them.

I rock. You don't. I'm the keynote speaker, bitch. I'll be up on the stage with a PowerPoint flashing pictures of myself onto a giant IMAX screen while a bunch of a-holes and wannabes sit in the audience with their hands in their crotch. Fifty minutes of self worship.

Feel uninvited, stupid, and self-conscious all at once as people explain simple topics in unnecessarily complex terms. Suggested for people who scored over 700 on verbal on GRE/SAT

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)