Why I'll never mangia the pasta with a feminist

I don't gotta tell you, if you are looking for a reason to hate men, chances are you're going to find it.

The truth is, I don't blame the broads, (especially these low-carb yoga pants girls) for hating men. They've been told to watch that pasta (I disagree). Cut back on the garlic bread (I also disagree). And maybe a little bit less of the grappa on that date, because, you know, guys are dangerous or something (I really, really disagree.)

Politics have been creeping into the bedroom lately. Now, they're in romance. Because of the hateful culture, men are now demanding "cheat days" at their favorite noodle joint to get raunchy and slurp down on that sweet, sweet linguini in the good gravy. Men's Rights Activists are all, Heyyyyy and holding up a tight forkful of wound-up noods and the derogatory, hateful feminists are all, "Oh, no, Luigi (racist, I am not Italian) get away from me with your spaghetti face."

Uh, okay, Debbie Dworkin, it's called a "noodler's beard" or "gravy ring" and it is a sign of commitment to the craft. Something some broad who comes in here like once a month wearing high heels and a shirt that is not dark red or black has no business commenting on. No doubt, there are men who are just slobs, slurping up pasta for a quick meal. Those guys wear bibs and order stuff like lasagna or ravioli. Are you kidding me?

This is what a real woman looks like, you feminazis.When it comes to dating, I don't want to hear about issues the feminists put in your head about carbs and pasta sauce. I may come to your house late at night stinking of garlic, wanting to slobber all over your big old titties. That's cool, not bad, and you should be glad for it. When you wake up next to me and it looks like I died on your pillow because of that pasta smear, you should thank me.

People who care more about their Fitbit and chia goop than a bowl of angel hair and my mama's vodka sauce aren't the sort of people I want sitting on my face, capiche? They will always be eating their sprig of parsley and looking over at your plate all jealous. They're into this gluten free whole wheat one rigatoni noodle with some squash pesto attitude and meanwhile you're a real man, with real man appetites, like eating eight pounds of al dente din din out of a sauce pan over a sink. It just don't match up good.

There are complex advantages and disadvantages to being a man or a woman in America. No doubt, men enjoy privileges that women don't but that boat goes both ways.

For example, "ladies night" at bars. How about that ladies? Where is our "guys night" at the bar? And BET. How about White Entertainment Television? And Bring Your Kid to School? Hey, maybe guys want to go to school.

Now there's a "ladies night" that I am into (as long as they pay full price for drinks)These ain't political issues, but deeply personal ones. These ladies are bringing their bad experiences to the table. So some guy felt you up coming out of the bathroom and he had marinara caked on his fingers. Some guy told you that you looked fat while you were walking past Buca di Beppo. I don't know. Don't tell me to clean up my face.

My advice? Get over it. Suck it up. Heh. Pun intended. I got over it. I once had sex with a girl on a boat and she threw up all over me. You think that means I ain't gonna bang broads on boats no more? Christ, might as well set fire to my canoe. You just gotta get past it.

It's a bummer, really, that this divide is widening between the sexes. It's obvious this feminist BS is ruining our country. Shutting down our Olives Garden and our Macaronis Grill and you think women are happy opening car doors for themselves and ordering their own dinners?

Maybe in a few years the broads will relax again. Maybe one day, we'll all realize that it's pasta that makes romance, family and love an enjoyable experience. And no, I am not wiping this spaghetti sauce off my face. YOU get lost.

– A Guy With Spaghetti Sauce All Over His Face (@sexyfacts4u)