What in Batman's Belt?!

10. The 100 Secrets of Batman's Silken Cord
It is extremely fascinating to think that not only would you dedicate an entire comic to talking about a rope, but that you'd somehow derive 100 secrets from said rope. Obviously this issue wasn't just a long list of secrets, because no one would want to read that. But at the same time, how does marketing it as such help sell this comic? What kid is going to see this cover and jump in excitement over learning about Batman's rope? Maybe if this was about the Batmobile it would be more enticing, but who cares about a goddamn rope?

Then there is the matter of 100 secrets. I can think of one secret, and that's only if the rope is secretly made out of hemp. I suppose if the rope was involved in a crime or has magical properties, you could maybe come up with a list of a dozen secrets or so, but cripes, 100? Is the rope gay or something? Does it long to be a chain? What would happen if tied the rope to Wonder Woman's Lasso of Truth? Would the rope have to divulge its secrets and be honest, or would they cancel each other out? Boy, I suppose this silken cord could easily have a lot of secrets now that I think about it. They should probably do an awesome post-Crisis on Infinite Earths reintroduction to the Silken Cord, and maybe do an ongoing series where each issue explores a different secret. One thing is for certain, and that's that this rope has so many secrets that it's liable to snap at some point!

Click for larger image.

9. The Caveman Batman
It is not every day that you see Batman, Robin, and a caveman wearing a crazy tiger mask catapult themselves off of a tree branch to evade a woolly mammoth. As to how a situation such as that arises, well, it would take me the better part of a large university grant and sixteen years of research and theory to figure out. This is just such an overwhelmingly absurd idea that it defies all forms of logic I have at my disposal. I wonder if this cover is somehow the manifestation of God. Perhaps I should be worshipping this mysterious masterpiece, even taking the time out of my busy schedule to reenact this sacred ritual with my friends.

Another important question to ask is the nature of the Caveman Batman. Are they implying that, because Batman is in the past, he is now a caveman? Or, conversely, are they suggesting the gentleman in the tiger skin is the caveman equivalent of Batman? If so, why is he wearing a tiger outfit and not a batsuit? This cover raises more questions than it answers, which I guess would work to draw stupid people in.

8. The Great Bat-Cape Hunt
Batman has a lot on his mind, so it's easy to see how he'd forget to NOT LET THE WIND BLOW HIS COSTUME OFF. Apparently Batman has a hidden weakness, and that's a sudden unexpected gust. It really makes you wonder why none of the super villains in Gotham City bought themselves a giant fan or set up shop in a wind tunnel. I'm sure Batman would have come up with a way to thwart the wind, though. Likely by wearing scuba gear or a mask underneath his mask, just to throw everyone a curveball.

Of course we can't forget that he hid a clue to his secret identity inside this particular cape. Why exactly would you want to leave evidence that you have a secret identity anywhere? I mean once that mask comes off, it's obvious he's Bruce Wayne. It's not like somebody is going to find Batman's corpse and not be able to identify it. IT'S BILLIONAIRE BRUCE WAYNE.

Let this be a lesson to heroes: make sure your costumes fit snugly and are kept away from open windows.

6. Sir Batman and Robin in King Arthur's Court
It really is amazing that time travel is so easy to take advantage of. You would think that if Batman did travel back in time, he would forever alter history, thus preventing the Batman that traveled back in time from existing, thereby creating a paradox. I'm no expert in time travel, though, and neither are the geniuses that concocted this grand caper. Batman goes back in time, joins the Knights of the Roundtable, and yet leaves no imprint on history that would alter the future. Amazing accomplishment!

Still, the story in this issue is probably 100% better than all the Batman movies combined. Maybe one day Tim Burton can adapt it for the big screen.

2. Manhunt in Outer Space
There were quite a few space-themed Batman stories, and this one strikes me as having the single most idiotic cover of the lot. I still don't think Batman has any business going into space, even if it's the Justice League's fancy moon base. He's too human to be caught up crazy cosmic escapades. Maybe I'm being overly anal, but really, what's a masked vigilante who fights drug dealers and gangsters doing foiling evil alien warlords?

I really like how the best way to navigate a rocky alien surface is with rocket-powered roller skates. This is quite possibly the dumbest, most unsafe, and thoroughly deranged idea ever. I think at this point Batman's writers went completely insane and were literally tormenting the readers. Maybe they hoped to inspire such hatred that a mob of angry boys would descend on DC Comics HQ and burn it to the ground, or maybe they were just filled with hatred. Doesn't Batman have a Bat-Moonrover? Or Bat-jetpacks? Am I to believe that Batman intentionally picked the most childish and stupid way to travel across another planet? Would an astronaut be so stupid as to move across the moon on roller-skates? No, he'd fucking walk like a normal person. I personally would have rather seen Batman and Robin share a rocket-powered bicycle built for two.

1. The Merman Batman
I can honestly accept a lot of things, but this cover is just as mind-boggling as a cereal bowl full of tiny sombreros. Everything about it makes my brain convulse and scream, as though it wants to tear away from the prison of my skull and free itself from the shackles of our inane logic and live in the freeform insanity of Batman logic.

"Yes, Robin," says Batman very matter-of-factly. "I've become a human 'fish!'" Well, fuck you, Aquaman! Looks like you're about as useful as a shoelace in a land of Velcro shoes now. The coolest hero of all is now a fish, so what makes you so special, Aquaman? Hey, Aquaman, why don't you just kill yourself? Actually Aquaman is smart enough not to wear a fucking cape underwater.

How did Batman get himself into this predicament? By being retarded.