I went upstairs and became a cocksucker

Save your money, folks.

People want to be successful. They want to be the next big thing, the next Dean Martin or Albert Einstein. A huge star. Some people want to cure cancer or AIDS. Some want to star in the movies. They want to make a ton of money, sleep with beautiful models, and live in a mansion in the hills. It varies from person to person but that’s pretty much the gist of these dreams.

Come on folks, let’s be honest here. None of that shit is going to fucking happen, especially if you're reading this web site.

I would wager close to 96 percent of the people who have dreams are not going to be able to fulfill them and die will with regrets and in sorrow. And please don't email me asking for evidence, data, or statistics or any of that bullshit. I just picked a number above 90 and went with it. No matter how good you are there is probably somebody better. It doesn’t make sense to aim high. If you just set your sights a little lower, a little more realistically, you’ll be more likely to achieve moderate success and be happy. That’s why I aim low. You know what? I don’t want to be the next Bob Hope or Charlie Chaplin. I want to be the next Jaimee Foxworth. You don’t even know who that is! She was that little girl on Family Matters who just disappeared from the show in less than a blink of the eye. She went up the stairs and never returned. God I wish I was a TV dad. Television is the only place where you can take someone out just because you don't like them. If I had kids I would do just that.

“Hey Billy. The ratings book for last quarter just came in and you are the lowest testing member of this family. We’re going to have to let you go son.”

”But dad!”

“Sorry Billy but we just can’t keep you on. Go on upstairs, son.”

“Aw shucks, dad.”

And then they go up the stairs and never come down! It’s great! That’s what happened to Jaimee Foxworth. She was such an unpopular character that they didn’t even try to write her out. They just told her to get the fuck off the set. I would at least think of some explanations for her absence. Maybe she fell down the toilet, I don’t know. I’d get creative with it. I would have held the first public execution of a little girl in a sitcom. It could have been integrated into the Family Matters storyline so easily.

It's called a bank. Use it.I just want to achieve some moderate success. I might become a bit player in a sitcom, make some money, go on up the stairs, and then save my goddamn money. See, that’s the problem with these actors and actresses. They don’t save their money! They get on some shitty sitcom and end up blowing all of their money on pennywhistles and moon pies.

You know how I know Jaimee Foxworth is broke? She’s in porn now. She’s fucking men for money. She was the little girl on Family Matters, went up the stairs, and must have gotten a solicitation to do porn up there. Be careful of those stairs. I have some advice. If any of you ever become an actor and the script calls for you to go up the stairs, learn to suck cock, because you might not be coming down!

So this chick is doing porn, fucking men, sucking cock, all for cash. But at least she isn’t Urkel. Does anybody even know his real name? He might as well legally change his name to Steve Urkel. The fucker is so typecast that he will never ever get another role again. Never. The fucker can’t even star in porn. No one would take him seriously because porn is serious business you know. Imagine watching Urkel in a porno. What would the cumshot be like?

“Uh, uh, uh, yeah… oh yeah… I’m gonna come on your face slut. Oh god…. Take it in your mouth whore. Ughhhh… I’m cummin’ whore. Eat it all up.”

And the chick has sperm on her face and smiling to the camera like an idiot as if she was proud there’s some guy’s sperm on her face. Then Urkel turns to the camera and goes, “Did I do that?!”

You know what would be even better than that? Carl and Urkel doing Jaimee Foxworth at the same time. They’re humping and pumping and Urkel comes too quickly and spouts out his famous catchphrase while Carl gets mad and goes, “STEVE! GO HOME, GO HOME, GO HOME!!!” More like go homo! The thing I hate about cum shots though, is when the guy shoots his jizz on a table or counter top and makes the chick lap it up like some kind of house cat. That just turns me off. You know what, just shoot it on her tits like any normal human being.

Wooo!!! Yeah!!! GO AL!!!Al Bundy, I mean, Ed O’Neil is even more fucked than Urkel because O’Neil is actually a good actor. He expertly portrayed the downtrodden and working class Al Bundy for 12 years on TV's Married... with Children. Maybe he portrayed him a little too well. I tried to watch Dragnet when it was on. I really tried. I watched maybe ten episodes of that show. Did I watch it because I wanted to see another goddamn crime drama? No, I wanted to see AL BUNDY SOLVING THE TOUGH CRIMES AND TAKING OUT THE BAD GUYS. I would watch the show and at the end of every scene I expected to see Joe Friday flush a toilet and hear the live audience hoot and holler. The best thing about that show is that his partner in the first season was actually the kid he co-starred with in Dutch. Unfortunately, the series was cancelled.

Life has not been good to O’Neil after Married… with Children. His last project was a sitcom called In The Game. Here’s the idea.

Riley Reed is a avid sports fan, single mom, who works as a segment producer for a sportstalk style TV show. Her life becomes just a little bit of a nightmare when she's promoted to the on air talent and she learns that on air reporters don't have such an easy job after all- especially with these co-workers!

Oh boy, another faggot sitcom for women. Look at this horseshit. She’s a single mom and a sports fan that becomes a sports anchor. Might as well write in a bunch of dragons and wizards into the show and turn it into a fantasy series. Come on. Life has not been good for Al Bundy indeed. Turns out the show was canned by ABC.

I just want to make a little bit of money and put it in the bank. Save my fucking money. I could live off $100,000 for the rest of my life easily. Don’t believe me? Just look at how I live. Look at how I dress. I look like a homeless guy. I got kicked out of Denny’s because I didn’t meet the dress code. I can’t judge Jaimee Foxworth though. If I somehow lost all my money, I guess I would have to get into porn.

People get into porn because they are broke as shit. You never see anyone who has a couple million in his coffers suddenly want to take two 12 inch black cocks in their ass at the same time on camera. You can’t find it. Let’s take Kobe Bryant. He made millions playing basketball and not passing the ball. Even though he probably loves sex you will never see him in porn just because he wanted to try it, just wanted to try something new. Nobody does that!

Michael Jordan got into baseball because he always wanted to try it. If you see Michael Jordan in porn, it’s not because he always had a calling to do porn, it’s because he spent all of his money on Pop Rocks, or divorced his wife. Nothing puts you in porn faster than getting a divorce.

Before a divorce men say, “No way am I sticking a cock in my ass for fifty bucks.” After a divorce they bend over and say, “I’ll do it for $25. Where do you want me?” This alimony thing is out of control.

Most of our readers haven’t been married or divorced yet, but those of you who have, you poor bastards. Should have cheated. No, wait, should have cheated and not gotten caught. Well, what do you want us to do? You trick us into marrying you with flagrant false advertising, then put on 300 pounds and start nagging us to death, and when we realize we just don’t like you anymore we can’t do anything about it! When we find another woman who doesn’t have woodpeckers living in the folds of her ass fat we can’t even divorce you without losing half our goddamn paycheck.

Ha ha divorce! Eh...When you divorce one woman for another woman that is the most expensive piece of pussy you will ever purchase. Talk about not spending 40 dollars on a date. You’ll be spending a hundred thousand bucks renting that pussy alone. That doesn’t even cover all of the accessories, maintenance, and fuel. That’s enough to give Tom Leykis several heart attacks, and we all know he’s about due for one.

In the 1990s everybody was up in arms that the Mexicans were taking everybody’s jobs. In the 2000s people are up in arms that every company is sending jobs to India. In the 2010s theater majors will be up in arms that all of the roles for Romeo and Juliet are going to black people. You white people are going out of style like having a telephone land line and it isn’t going to stop anytime soon. Even here at Something Awful you are seeing this practice at work.

One week Ben “Greasnin” Platt was updating on Sundays. The next week it was me, a Hispanic. Did you think this was a coincidence? Nope. Lowtax felt that it was more cost effective to hire a Mexican guy who would do the same amount of work for less money. I am, in effect, gardening his Internet lawn. After years of refusing to hire minorities he finally caved in to the promise of incredible savings. In fact, the name “Kyanka”… Hm, “Kyanka”. Isn’t that a Jewish name? Sure sounds like it.

Because hey, that would certainly explain everything, wouldn’t it?

– Zachary "Spokker Jones" Gutierrez