What Your Wedding Gifts Say About You

What you gave: One pot with strainer lid, one watering can, one six pack of light bulbs.

What it says: I bought the three cheapest things on your registry. I don't know if the unregulated Teflon lining in the pot will flake off in your macaroni and cheese. I don't know of any plants you own that need watered. And I don't even know how a six pack of light bulbs ended up on the list. They aren't even the nice kind--just some cheap ass incandescent ones that make everything look all dingy. What I do know is that I bought all these items at the grocery store, so that makes me happy.

All this culminates in the grand total of forty two bucks and thirty three cents. Considering that you will likely be serving some lukewarm chicken marsala that's been dried to jerky status in a hotel pan for the last eight hours, I think we're breaking even.

Other possible interpretation: I hope you like the one pot with strainer lid, one watering can, and one six pack of light bulbs!

What you gave:  Wusthof Classic 10-inch Bread Knife

What it says: I didn't bother buying your gift until, literally, two hours ago and my tardiness is costing me huge. Everything on the registry was taken, so here is this bread knife. For the past three months, I've wondered why you even invited me to the wedding and now I understand: a hundred-fucking-dollar bread knife. What kind of bread are you cutting and how often do you need to cut it with the titanium blade of the kings?

It was either this or the hundred dollar juicer that you specifically wanted in sea foam green, so I hate you. I hate your partner. I hate the fact that you obviously just walked around Macy's with a little scan gun without a care in the world and now I must pay the brunt of the damages. I hope that you cut yourself with this seemingly magic bread knife and your blood fills up the three(!) Fiestaware pitchers you ordered. You disgust me. May you receive pain from this gift and may tonight's bar be forever open. Gift receipt not included.

Other possible interpretation: Hope you enjoy this really nice bread knife!

What you gave: Cash

What it says:  Let's cut the bullshit and stop playing this little game. I'm going to wedge fifty bucks into a two dollar card that's coated in more glitter than most adults are comfortable with. It is going to say congratulations. That's it. No long winded message, no gift certificate to some shop you'd never visit. Just cash. I don't need a thank you note in the mail, but I do ask for a little something in return. I don't want to appear in any wedding photos. I don't want to get asked to dance the chicken dance. I don't want to have to fake a bunch of conversations with people we went to school with. This card isn't a bribe. It's an agreement. You didn't see me...and hopefully no one else will either.

Other possible interpretation: I put zero effort in this.

What you gave: KitchenAid Mixer with three interchangeable attachments & Sodastream Dynamo LX Home Soda Maker Deluxe Mega Pack

What it says:  What are you some sort of Dr. Bread Wizard MD now? I've known you for years, and I'm pretty sure your diet of Velveeta Shells and Cheese don't need no mixer. For your entire life the most complicated your water's ever been is trying to figure out which faucet is cold, and now all of a sudden you need a marriage license and a fancy contraption to put bubbles in it? No, you won't brew your own Coke. You won't even be able to brew your own RC Cola. You're just going to have these electrical trinkets collect dust on your counter as some sort of suburban trophy. I don't even know who you are anymore.

Other possible interpretation: Hope you love this maker of bubbly water and bread bowl thing!

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)