| What economic issues are important to you in this election? | |
 Dawn CatwandPrayer Bus Volunteer | "I'm doing just fine with the settlement I got from slipping on the ice outside the library. That should last me until I can find a man." |
 Sgt. J.J. PillockU.S. Army | "I'm sick and tired of these fucking Mexicans taking our jobs. It's getting to the point where a middle class white guy can barely put on a uniform and get blown up by a bomb hidden inside a dead dog." |
 Rhett RacecarMILF Hunter | "I would like to see the living wage raised to about 65 dollars an hour so I can buy and then immediately crash a helicopter. That is going to be about the fucking sweetest thing ever in human history. Instant Youtube classic." |
 Brian MultitoastHemp Advocate | "It's like, economics is the science of the system being used to keep us in our little boxes of conformity, man. That is why I totally buy only Apple products." |
 Jeineane FizzMarketing | "I saw on Ellen that there are people still starving in America. Can you believe that, in this day and age? I think that's just an outrage. When I moved from my townhouse into my loft I lost my back yard and I had to get King, my Great Dane, put to sleep. After they did that they just burned him up. That dog was huge! Do you have any idea how many people he could have fed? I think that's one thing we can do right now to feed the poor people and save money on soup." |
 Rudy GiulianiImmigrant | "I've got no complaints. My mortgage on my 850,000 dollar one-bedroom house just ballooned to a 72% APR, but no big deal!" |
| What could you do better than any of the candidates? | |
| Dawn Catwand Prayer Bus Volunteer | "Give huggy-wuggies and kissy-wissies to my precious babies! Who are my precious babies? Who are my babies? Yes, you are. Yes you are." |
| Sgt. J.J. Pillock U.S. Army | "Head shot a haji from 800 yards over open sights. One shot, one kill, and unlike haji and his bombs I kill more than just a couple of legs and most of the genitalia. Hey, Achmed, good luck peein' in that bag without a brain!" |
| Rhett Racecar MILF Hunter | "Tap dat. Booya!" |
| Brian Multitoast Hemp Advocate | "Hmm, I've always prided myself on my dreamcatchers, although my blog is fantastic." |
| Jeineane Fizz Marketing | "I buy all my shirts on ebay. I think I could probably buy nicer shirts off ebay than any of them." |
| Rudy Giuliani Immigrant | "Leech off the American taxpayer. Oh, wait, I pay taxes and nobody is better at that than politicians. I guess I'll just have to suffer in mediocrity." |
I will try to keep abreast of any developments among our contributors to this feature. Expect an update on their positions as the general election commences.
–
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