Updated USDA Acceptable Contamination Guidelines

The USDA understands that it is impossible to achieve perfect results when packaging food for market. Some contamination is inevitable. It is up to the USDA to determine levels of foreign body contamination for various food products that are above zero, but safe for human consumption. Laboratory testing determines safety. It is up to the producer to determine what level of compliance will keep their foods palatable to consumers. The following updated listings should be considered in effect immediately.

• One human tooth will now be allowed per eight ounce or larger bag of sweet corn niblets. Individual steamer bags should be restricted to baby teeth and small animal teeth only. Candy corn is permitted to consist of 100% shark teeth.
• "All beef" frankfurters may contain, by weight, up to 30% "assorted meats" including pork, goat, turkey, chicken or weird, soft-shelled beetles that hiss if you get too close.
• Gogurt may contain up to 10% cartoon droppings.
• A package of Combos Pretzel Snacks and Combos Cracker Snacks may contain up to 25% "Combo substitutions" including cigarette butts, hog hands and pigeon necks.
• Up to half (by volume) of a Mountain Dew may consist of Xbox 360 gamer points.
• Due to sickness complaints from customers, Domino's Pizza must substitute at least 40% of every pizza for pet hair and toilet smut warmed with a hair dryer, which is considered less likely to sicken customers.
• No content guidelines have been updated for Pizza Hut, but the company is now required to administer a lie detector to all BOOK IT! program participants before dispensing Personal Pan Pizzas.
• Loosened restrictions on the definitions of "sauce" will allow Papa John's to continue to resell cat vomit as dipping sauces for their pizzas. Pickled owl penises may continue to substitute for Peperoncini.
• Taco Bell's menu may remain unchanged from last year, but all items featuring "sour cream" must come with a warning about potential miscarriages and birth defects.
• Keebler elf bodies must be pulped or blended into a product and cannot be presented whole as the filling of Keebler-brand cookies.
• Burger King can no longer incorporate troop limbs into its "Broiler" line of sandwiches. Troop arms and legs may still be used in the Whopper.
• Chick-fil-A Chick-n-Strips may substitute in whole or part Prom Promises for chicken. God will also now be accepted in place of thermometer readings for meat temperature safety at all Chick-fil-As.
• Returned food from dissatisfied customers may be fed to the Slider Worm that gives birth to all the sandwiches at every White Castle.
• Craigslist sexual cannibal death wishes can provide up to 50% of the meat for every Five Guys burger.

Due to changes in federal regulations regarding "swag," the USDA will no longer be selling "USDA PRIME" sanitary napkins. Please eat safely!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)