You Say Underemployed Like It's a Bad Thing

What's everyone complaining about? Being underemployed is just like being a kid. Back then all you ever did was play, go to school, and deliver newspapers. Now instead of learning and having fun, you just have five paper routes. That's pretty much the same thing.

Instead of searching for higher standards of living, just realize your self-worth. Come to terms with what you really are. Are you a twenty-something-year-old with a grad degree working at a mall or are you the idiot savant of retail? Maybe you're the renaissance man of low skilled labor. Even better, you're role-playing as a migrant worker, and with four menial jobs, you're kicking ass.

Look, every company will tell you the same thing: It's not you, it's them. They're going through a weird time and totally can't commit. It's not that they don't want to hire you. It's, just, well, it's complex! Sure, they'll send you wistful texts in the night filled with promises and they might even drunkenly feel you up, but nothing serious, okay? Don't expect a phone call in the morning.

So forget them. You're better than that! You're much too busy to worry about a career or the burden of all those annoying decisions. Should you plan for retirement? Can you go on vacation? Should you get that cyst looked at by a doctor? With underemployment, the answer is simple: No. You don't need to bother yourself with investments or fun or stupid, overrated heath insurance. Save that paperwork for the rubes with "benefits." You only need to try and figure out: dinner.

So do what you need to do. Be the best damn tech writer/server/insurance adjuster/mini golf cashier this city's ever seen. Collect jobs like it was in itself a job. Monopolize entry labor; control every aspect of the lowest rung. If anyone tries to stop you, blow their mind with your weekly schedule. And when tax season comes around, stack your 1099s to the sky. Contractor till you die.

Sure, people will judge and mock you. To them jobs are like sexual partners. One is socially accepted, two is secret baller status, but five or more means you probably get tested at the free health center. Which is true. You get your vision and dental there as well. So keep scanning craigslist postings and tell the haters the same lie you tell yourself every night when you're alone: "I'm happy with this lifestyle. I don't hate myself one bit."

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)