Tis the Season For Dead Babies!

What's wrong with this picture? I'll tell you what: that baby ain't dead!

Ah, the joys of Christmas! A time when we, as a nation, band together so we may celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ by spending money we don't have at Target or, if you're a rich snooty jerk, Super Target. Thousands and thousands of years ago, in a crappy desert far, far away, the Son of God flew out of some diseased hooker's crotch, thereby changing the course of human events and creating a series of major religions based off love, compassion, understanding, and raw terror. Mary "Miracle Birth Magdalen," the haunted hooker who launched Mr. Christ out of her womb, signed a contract to be seen on "The Jesuit Springer Show" before her delivery, an episode in which she engaged in a heated debate with seven Egyptian men regarding which one of them was the baby's real father. Before the thrilling DNA test on that episode, Omar Naoin, outraged by the crass and ribald comments that rival father Niiam Osirii made suggesting relations with the dying mule outside the money exchange shop, picked up a lawn chair and threw it in his direction. A scuffle soon broke out and all fathers were sentenced to die on the syndicated "Extreme Stoning" show out behind the sand dunes next to exotic Sand Dune Stadium. Magdalen was injured in the scuffle, resulting in a rare birth defect known as "Son of God Syndrome," which affects one out of every infinity women. Eventually Jesus Magdalen Christ was born and overcame this handicap, growing up to be an intelligent yet socially shunned individual who killed thousands of people in an attempt to teach people that murder is a sin. Jesus died some years later but immediately returned as a ghost, appearing to blessed individuals by projecting his facial image onto oily donuts in squalid Mexican trash dump cities.

The birth of Jesus "Anti-Christian Killer" Christ has grown to a momentous occasion over the years, as really good Holy-like people who are undoubtedly going to Heaven are spending more and more money celebrating the birth of that oh-so-famous religious baby. Take a look at this alarming set of facts which display how dramatically Christmas has changed over the years:

THE FIRST CHRISTMAS (0 AD): Gifts included a bag of gold, some frankincense, and myrrh. The gold was simply a bag of chocolate gold-foil wrapped coins, claiming to have been minted in comical places such as "Fartsylvania" and "Poop Town." I have no clue what frankincense and myrrh are; I think they're those diseases you can get from wiping your ass with an infected jungle tree leaf in south Africa.
THIS YEAR'S CHRISTMAS (2002 AD): Standard gifts consist of supercomputers, BMWs, luxury getaway continents, and trips to the sun.

Hahaha, salivation, God's got a drooling problem! Silly God!

Economists predict that Americans alone will spend over 640 billion jillion zillion dollars this Christmas season, possibly even more if they count the items purchased for camwhores on their Amazon wish lists. However, one selfless group has ignored the lure of material possessions and purchasing nose-massaging gadgets at The Sharper Image this year, a special group that promotes something positive instead of the accepted Capitalistic Christian norm: Planned Parenthood.

No peace over Planned Parenthood's holiday card - A holiday card by the nation's largest abortion-rights group is under fire from some groups that say it is offensive and reflects an anti-religious bigotry. The card, offered by the Planned Parenthood Federation of America, features the words "Choice on Earth" against a blue backdrop with white snowflakes. Inside it reads, "Warmest wishes for a peaceful holiday season."

"The group twists a well-known Scripture in which God offers peace on earth -- not abortion -- through the birth of his son, Jesus Christ," said a statement by Wendy Wright, senior policy director at Concerned Women for America. "Planned Parenthood officials are too hardened by their mission of profiting from abortion to see that Christmas itself flies in the face of all they stand for."

It makes me sad to see how twisted the religious right have become this day and age. Planned Parenthood, a wonderful company that helps all of mankind by killing babies before they have a chance to be born and start up their own meth labs, is under attack simply by providing skilled technicians (fired veterinarians) who perform a valuable service (stabbing babies in the head with a machine until they stop living). Now I know that the "Concerned Women for America" organization has their collective heart in the right place; after all, judging by the name of their group, it's their job to be perpetually concerned about things. However, I don't understand why they have singled out Planned Parenthood as a target this wonderful season. If I was a concerned woman, I'd be more frustrated over issues such as the absence of Christmas-themed Tampons or the lack of sufficient parking at the local mall, instead of worrying about the type of greeting card sent by The American Baby-Stabber Association. You know, because women are dumb and think like that. But I'm not a woman and honestly I'm not very concerned, which is fortunate for my fiancee because if I was a female then she'd be a lesbian and I don't think she's quite ready for that type of commitment.

I think the problem here is that some people simply don't understand the message Planned Parenthood is trying to send this holiday season. They aren't concerned with defiling Jesus' name or trying to piss off the good, law-abiding, altar boy-molesting Catholics; none of that matters to them. Their only concern revolves around informing a large number of women that they have the option, at any time whatsoever, to go into a Planned Parenthood clinic and have a drill bit inserted into their baby's skull. By attempting to shift their message away from this and instead focus on the Bible or Noah's Ark or whatever the hell the religious folks are yammering about, Planned Parenthood's stance on joyous holiday abortions is being drowned out. I'd like to use today's update to help this glorious organization get their message across without the fear of concerned women sending me furious emails, mainly because it's a proven fact Something Awful's audience is composed of 99% men, the other 1% being of "indeterminate gender." Let me present you with a couple beautiful Planned Parenthood greeting cards I made, ones which will cure the confusion caused by Planned Parenthood's previous attempt at spreading holiday cheer and scrambled fetuses.

Festive Holiday Card #1: "Give Your Fetus the Ultimate Gift"

I feel that this quaint holiday card will experience no trouble appeasing the religious folk who are so very concerned about what other people do with their bodies and why those bodies don't happen to belong to the "correct" religion. Christians, Catholics, and all those other Jesus-filled white person religions cannot possibly be offended by this ad, as it simply promises what they've been claiming for years; the ultimate reward in life is to die and fly straight up into Heaven so you can hang out with Jesus and do all the fun shit you always wanted to do but couldn't because your religion forbid it during your life.

Sitting on Santa's lap is a tradition that dates back to prehistoric cavemen times, when child Neanderthals would climb onto their dad's knee and begin grunting in some incomprehensible fashion. Eventually cavedad would get sick of hearing their little potato-shaped sack of dirt make stupid noises, so he'd grab a big piece of dinosaur meat and shove it into his kid's mouth so he'd shut the hell up. Or he'd take a rock and bash it against his kid's head; either way was acceptable. This tradition continued throughout the ages, eventually gaining a religious purpose when Jesus was born, and promptly losing that religious significance when American capitalism was born.

This "Ultimate Gift" greeting card points out the tremendous benefit children will receive when they get the hell aborted out of them. Only the most greedy and inconsiderate parents would wish their children to be born in this filthy world full of drugs, cursing, violent video games, robots, premarital sex, more robots, movies about the Antichrist starring Rob Lowe, and other anti-holy propaganda. Up in Heaven, where your dead baby will invariably go, he'll be much happier, able to play with Jesus and travel through time and whatever the fuck people in Heaven do that's so great. I can only assume there's a "dead baby" wing of Heaven somewhere, possibly next to the "died while trying to save a dog trapped up in a burning tree" ward and the "had a heart attack and croaked while waiting in line to donate money to their church so they could built a new $900,000 steel Jesus monument" department.

Festive Holiday Card #2: "ABORT, Retry, Fail: Hitler Was Once a Fetus Too"

Almost everybody in existence these days was at once point in time a fetus. Heck, many famous celebrities and racquetball players are fetuses right this very moment! As you read this! In your underwear! In your parent's basement! However, for every positive thing, there is at least one negative thing to cancel it out. For every "Aqua Teen Hunger Force," there is at least one "The Brak Show" or "Home Movies." For every James Woods, there's at least one person who emails me, letting me know that I, in fact, stopped being funny 24 years ago and Something Awful "sure is something awful, hyuk hyuk, my mom combs my hair."

Too many people concentrate on the fact that fetuses are tiny, weird-looking, bulbous, stupid people, and they forget that these mutant spawn run the risk of growing up and eventually turning into people like Adolf Hitler, L. Ron Hubbard, or anybody in those 1-800-CALL-ATT commercials. The "Hitler Was a Fetus Too" card points out this fact and alerts people to the notion that while their fetus could grow up and find a cure to AIDS, it also runs an equal risk of growing up and infecting thousands of gay men with AIDS. You know, through buttsex.

The "Planned Parenthood: ABORT, Retry, Fail" slogan is one we came up for all the computer-literate folk in the world who can relate to high tech things like RAM and MS Paint. By attaching a catchy, clever slogan to abortion, it helps connect with a new generation of people who don't quite know that they need abortions yet. If Planned Parenthood is really interested in pursuing this avenue of advertising, they could hire psychics (or people who dress like gypsies) to hang around in the lobby of their offices, touching pregnant womens' stomachs and exclaiming, "your baby will grow up to be a fascist dictator who will enslave millions, murder billions, and have at least two Lifetime Network movies based on him. ABORT NOW OR SUFFER!!!" This would reassure ladies that ditching their fetus is simply the right thing to do, and to not abort their baby would be a crime against humanity.

I don't know if any Something Awful readers out there work at Planned Parenthood or perform free abortions under the trampoline in their dad's backyard, but I would appreciate it if everybody could help get these holiday cheer cards into heavy circulation. After all, Christmas is the season of giving, and what's a better gift to give than the gift of a one-way ticket to Heaven, where young Dead Baby Junior can decorate Ye Holy Christmas Tree with Jesus and the 28 Apostles, Matthew, David, Joseph, Rudolf, Sleepy, Dopey, Dropsy, and whatever the other guys were named. I hope these cards clear up the silly misconceptions the ever-so-concerned "Concerned Women for America" have, hopefully causing them to become slightly less concerned for America. Abortion is a gift, and if more people were selfless enough to liberally give this gift, then we wouldn't have to live in a world with Louie Anderson, Margaret Cho, and "-={k3Wl-d00d3782}=-" from the Counter-Strike Off-Topic forums. May God bless you all, and may Jesus please stab you in the fetus.

Nuclear Winter is Our Favorite Season!

Ho Ho Ho! Santa has brought a brand new SA Story Time for those of you who have been nice this year. He also brought it for those of you have been naughty. Santa may control who lives and who dies, but he has no ability to restrict access to our content! This week we have an end-of-the-world scenario straight out of the 1980's entitled "Failsafe of the Street Soldier".

Before the Soviet Prime Minister could reply a totally important looking general guy with lots of medals and crap like that on his chest walked into the room and leaned forward to whisper something to the President. Most people would have said it was impossible for the President to look any more strained and depressed than he did, but defying all logic related to facial expressions, the President's face fell even more. He hung up the phone in a daze as the Soviet Prime Minister screamed at him.

"Jim," he said reaching into his pocket and removing an envelope, "here are the launch codes. Give 'em hell."

Holy Jesus, that sounds intense! Better head on over and check it out before an atomic bomb knocks out the router to our server!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)