These Things I Know

Fine ladies can be recognized by their flowered hats, generous petticoats, and lace parasols. They subsist on finger sandwiches and scandalous rumors of dalliances. They hate escalators and chili fries.

A good place to meet a fine lady is on a clipper ship or a paddle wheeled riverboat. Another good place is the Orient Express. They are never to be found in the club getting tipsy.

Fine ladies are a vanishing breed. They have simply been out-competed in the wilderness by the bawdy harlot.

If you meet a fine lady, court her, and become her swain, dueling will be a regular part of your life. Word to the wise: choose darts. It's really hard to kill somebody by throwing darts and they'll probably just give up.

Yesterday somebody asked me how many black people it would take to tar a roof. I said one or two if they worked really hard, but they said one if you slice the black guy really thin. That sounds like a pretty gross roof.

Contrary to conventional wisdom, black people and white people operate their cars using the same mechanisms. Black people do like tinted windows more, I think.

Black man Ice Cube once did a rap song about killing LAPD Chief Darryl Gates. If Ice Cube had killed him there might not have been a Police Quest: Open Season. Thank goodness, Ice Cube decided not to kill Darryl Gates. Ice Cube decided to be in movies about Mars and driving places with kids.

A booty is something most black people know a lot more about than me, but I'm reading up on it! It seems sort of like a butt only scary and it makes clapping sounds.

If gasoline is made from dead dinosaurs, like the experts claim, then we should stop eating the dinosaurs we kill.

The people on TV keep telling me how much pain I am going to feel at the pump, but it was sort of nice there and it was a nice day. I did get kind of mad when I realized it was going to cost me 80 dollars to mow my lawn, but I was mad at my lawn more than anything.

I never would have put that yellow ribbon magnet on my car if I had known all that blood wouldn't even fill up my tank. Somebody should sue those war protestors for false advertising.

The high price of oil has made me willing to bike to and from work. Now I just have to find a job that is downhill to and from my house.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)