The Spot

Thanks to Marvel's success in bringing their comic book superheroes to the big screen, the floodgates have opened. Now every schlub who appeared in a comic is getting a movie deal, even Johnny-come-latelies Superman and Batman. Batman's super power is a belt. He can't fly anywhere or even control the minds of marsupials. This "Superman" guy is allergic to the color green from what I hear. That pretty much eliminates his participation in emergencies anywhere near grass or Green Bay Packers fans, and I'm pretty sure the ocean has green in it too. Really useful. Maybe you assholes can team up and save the day if a polar bear is in mortal danger because his pants are sliding off, assuming said pants aren't green.

To lay your eyes upon me is to gaze into the infinite abyss of fear itself. To lay your eyes upon the wall to my left is to gaze at my autographed Clay Aiken poster. Only 500 copies were printed and you don't have one. Now do you comprehend how insignificant you are?

If everyone and their radioactive dog is being featured in a big-budget film, why haven't I been contacted? You might have heard of me, a little supervillain known and feared worldwide as The Spot. Yes, that Spot. You've undoubtedly heard legends of my spot-based powers and the havoc I have wreaked in my march of destruction. I sense that you are too terrified to hear my movie pitch. I fully understand your apprehension, but please take a moment to consider how unique a film about a supervillain could be. Why a supervillain? To be quite honest, superheroes are simplistic. They lack creativity and are purely reactionary in nature. Villains concoct exciting and bold plans, while heroes simply blunder their way into said plans and rely on brute force to emerge victorious.

For example, there was the time that I teamed up with Doctor Magnetface and threatened to enlarge the moon, theoretically causing the tide to rise worldwide by over three hundred feet unless we were given ten million dollars. Yes, we were ultimately foiled by Aquaman, but our plan was colossal in scope and rife with originality. In retrospect, it wasn't a great idea for the Enlargening Ray to be based on the ocean floor, and for us to rely on trained dolphins to fire the beam instead of using a simple remote control or timer of some sort. Also, I guess we could have used the Enlargening Ray on a few small pieces of gold to become billionaires.

That's the great thing about being a supervillain, though. You never really know what you'll be doing next or even fully understand what you're doing while you're doing it. One day you might wake up and think, "I think I'll try to capture Captain America with a handful of henchmen and a simple rope net!", and the next day you might decide to steal Hostess Fruit Pies from a group of five kids who are all of different ethnicities, the white one in a wheelchair.

My plans don't always work, but that would make the film better in my opinion. After all, beneath the considerable superpowers and superior intellect I am still a human with flaws. I have my mind-controlled dalmations put my spandex unitard on one leg at a time for me just like everyone else.

Part of the movie could deal with my origins and early years with my mentor The Pretty Big Guy. I will never forget the advice he gave me during our numerous stints in jail. He truly inspired me to become the man that I am today. One night in particular stands out in my mind with perfect clarity. We had been brought in by Spider-Man after attempting to kidnap the mayor using a hot air balloon as our escape vehicle, and had just settled in for the night when the cell door was flung open and a fellow villain by the name of Gluefingers was unceremoniously shoved in.

"What's your story, Gluey?" I wasn't terribly interested in the man's tale, but there is an unspoken competition between villains. We're always hoping our crimes are bigger and flashier than everyone else's.

The hot chicks that show up at comic conventions make all the trials and tribulations of being a supervillain worthwhile.

"Shoplifting," he began, and immediately a smile spread across my face. "But it wasn't even intentional. I was in the checkout lane at the supermarket and picked up a copy of the Weekly World News, only it stuck to my hands. You know, because of the glue. When I got to the front of the line the cashier tried to grab the tabloid to scan it, but of course she was unable to. I didn't even want to buy the thing, so I told her to give up because I didn't plan on paying for it. At that point I heard 'Form of... a can of tomatoes!' and 'Form of... a slingshot!', and before I could turn around I was clobbered in the head. Fucking Wonder Twins."

This was too juicy to pass up, but before I could properly berate Gluefingers for his defeat at the hands of Jan and Jayce, Pretty Big Guy placed a pretty big hand on my shoulder and turned me around so that I was facing him.

"Spot, take it easy on the guy. He's here because he screwed up but so are we. As the old adage goes, people who are made of glass should never throw stones at themselves or eat another glass-based person or buy clothes without trying them on first."

Although I didn't know it at the time, those turned out to be the last words he would ever speak to me. Being a brash young man, I glared at him for telling me what to do in front of another villain and went to bed. The next morning when I woke up he had already posted bail and left. One week later, he tripped over his own feet and had his pretty big head flattened beneath the wheels of Count Rockula's Bassmobile during a battle with Ant-Man. I reflect upon those last words of his often, and I think it would do us all well to remember them.

The entire film doesn't have to focus on such deep moments, though. Moviegoers expect plenty of action in a comic-based movie, and I am no stranger to excitement and danger. Here are just a few of my career highlights that could be featured:

Somehow managing to tie up every member of the X-Men except Storm, then having my robot army paint giant spots on every building in Manhattan with water-based paint. In an unexpected turn of events, Storm arrives and cleans up the spots by summoning a rainstorm.

Getting particularly drunk one night and taking the Virginian Vagina home, then discovering that "she" was hiding a terrible secret. Contrary to "her" name, she was actually a West Virginian.

Kidnapping Iron Man's butler, then challenging Iron Man himself to a round of mini golf to determine the fate of said butler and getting THREE hole-in-ones. Apparently Iron Man has some sort of lock-on system in his visor specifically for golf and won the round with a score of -54, but I'm still pretty proud.

Building a giant can of bug spray to eliminate Spider-Man once and for all, only to realize upon using it that the spray was only effective against flying insects. The craftsmanship that went into that gigantic can was unbelievable, as was the pain I endured when Spidey punched me through a second story window and directly onto the roof of a police car.

Raping Sue Dibny.

Attempting to defeat Iceman by dousing myself in jet fuel and lighting myself on fire before grappling with him. My most dramatic and well-publicized fight to date, and coincidentally the reason I'm in a hospital bed typing this.

Do you understand the potential here, people? An idea this great hasn't come along since someone realized that wearing garish and easily identifiable outfits would make it easier to commit crimes without getting caught! If I don't receive a movie offer by the end of this week, my robots will be notified. You wouldn't want your precious Hollywood sign to be covered in easily removable spots, would you? No, I should think not.

Jeff K. is Back?

It would appear that Jeff K. is back with a brand new article, his game review of "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas!"

my charactar was workeing in a bakery when I picked up a phoen and teh president was on teh phone and saids "GO TO GET YOUR HAIR CLEANED" so I said "YES SIR MR PRESIDENT SIR" I MEAN I SAID "YO HOMES WHAS SUP WIT CHOO BITCH" and then I left. I stole a CORVETTE CAR outside and drove it into a flying buttress.then a hookar caem out and said "I'LL DUST YOUR CHIMNEY FOR $50" SO IS SADIS I SAID "OKEY BITCH" and that was taht THERE IS A BUG ON MY INTERNET

then I stole a motarcycal and took it to get spray painted, I got flames sprayed on teh side of it and I changed the license plate to say "2CRUDEDUDES" and drove it into a flying buttress

That sounds like some incredible journalism! Drop it while it's hot!

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)