The H.P.A.T.

Welcome to the Homeless Person Aptitude Test, the most comprehensive and accurate method of determining whether students are qualified to enter the exciting and competitive field of homelessness. Students will be given a No. 2 pencil and thirty minutes to complete the exam. Calculators, laptop computers and other electronic devices are strictly forbidden, but hot bowls of pea soup will be provided upon request.

Upon the instructor's signal, students are to break the seal on the side of this booklet using their pencils and begin the test. Good luck!

1. Puppy : Dog :: Boy : ___

A. Dogboy
B. I'm so hungry
C. Man
D. Cat

2. Doctor : Hospital :: Professor : ___

A. Classroom
B. (unintelligible grumbling)
C. Other hospital
D. Third hospital, across the street from the second one

3. Obtain : Steal :: Ask : ___

A. Question
B. Interrogate
C. Tell
D. I haven't washed or changed my underwear in three years

4. Stay : Depart :: Sit : ___

A. Recline
B. Stand
C. I have no home
D. Dogboy

5. The Patent Office in Washington, D. C., is the world’s largest library of scientific and technical data, and this treasure trove of information is open for public inspection. In addition to more than 3 million U. S. patents, it houses more than 7 million foreign patents and thousands of volumes of technical literature. Abraham Lincoln patented a device to lift steam vessels over river shoals, Mark Twain developed a self-pasting scrapbook, and millionaire Cornelius Vanderbilt invented a shoe-shine kit.

Abraham Lincoln ___

A. Patented a device to lift steam vessels over river shoals
B. Sounds like a real jerk
C. Is a treasure trove of information
D. Should have patented homelessness, he'd be rich

6. The Marathon of the Sands was founded in 1986 by Patrick Bauer. His idea was to give the runners, who come from all over the world, a special kind of adventure. Most of the runners in this race have found that they form deep friendships with the other runners during their days and nights in the desert. Facing terrible heat and complete exhaustion, they learn much about themselves and each other.

The runners learn ___

A. How to craft a crude airplane out of an airplane and some duct tape
B. Much about themselves and each other
C. That as fast as you are, you can never outrun financial debts and herpes
D. Practically nothing

7. While it is true that the Incas had no written language, they kept their accounts by using a system of knotted strings of various lengths and colors. The sizes of the knots and the distances between them represented numbers.

The Incas ___

A. Had an irrational hatred of numbers
B. Had an unhealthy lust for string
C. Had no written language
D. Passed through here a few days ago and kicked my box over, those dickweeds

8. The number of dimes in Gina's coin collection is 4 less than the number of nickels, and the number of quarters is 3 times the number of dimes. If the value of her collection is $7.40, how many nickels does she have?

A. 9
B. 10
C. I'll let Gina urinate in my hands for half those nickels
D. 12

9. John makes a business trip from his house to Portland in 2 hours. Three hours later, he returns home in traffic at 20mph less than his speed going. If John is gone a total of 8 hours, how fast did he travel to Portland?

A. 50mph
B. 60mph
C. 75mph
D. I walked to Portland in 2 hours once, when I was living in a park in Portland. Most of those two hours consisted of standing up and remembering where I was, but still.

10. Sarah needs to make a cake and some cookies. The cake requires 3/8 cup of sugar and the cookies require 3/5 cup of sugar. Sarah has 15/16 cups of sugar. Does she have enough sugar, or how much more does she need?

A. She has enough sugar
B. She needs 3/80 of a cup of sugar
C. She needs 4/19 of a cup of sugar
D. She needs Maddog 20/20

11. On a coordinate plane, the distance between A(x, y) and the origin is 5. If both x, y are integers, then which of the following number CANNOT be a possible value of y?

A. 0
B. 1
C. 3
D. 4

12. In five years, I would most like to be ___

A. Independently wealthy, living in luxury with an unlimited amount of time and resources to do what I want
B. Working in a career I take pride in and enjoy fully
C. Surrounded by my family and friends, warm in the happiness they provide me
D. Alone, unsheltered in the harsh elements, sad and waiting for a number of exotic ailments to finish their race to kill me first

13. On a Friday night, I would rather ___

A. Go to the local theatre to catch a new movie with that special someone
B. Spend the evening with a glass of wine and a good book
C. Dodge a barrage of rocks and batteries thrown by a roving pack of teenagers
D. Write a comedy article with a fun premise that turns out to not really go anywhere

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)