The Telephone Makes You Stupid

Ring ring! Grandma's calling Something Awful again! The front page is like a canvas but instead of paint that cannot stick to the Internet that well we paint this canvas with words that unfortunately stays on the Internet forever and ever so our children's children can read about what faggots we were. Every day our Something Awful engineers are thinking of new ways to deliver this exciting front page content and NBA action to you, our loyal readers.

We've been kicking around ideas like live streaming, podcasting, high definition video and VRML. Most of these ideas are dumb and Lowtax yelled at me for telling him about them. Aside from the typed word we haven't been able to think of a better way to deliver the daily comedy tech-savvy audiences like the six guys who still read Wired crave.

Until now, that is!

We have finally figured out a better way to bring you top notch Internet at double the cost to you and humanity. When looking at current distribution methods we weren't quite impressed with what's out there. New technology like podcasting, high definition video and printers just don't have the market penetration we would like them to. We want our articles to attract the largest audience possible to feed these hungry Google ads that are targeting me with offers for Jesus blogs and Christian merchandise as I preview this update (Nice targeting Google. Most of our readers worship the atheist God Carl Sagan), and not all of our readers have computers.

It all changes next month when we introduce our brand new Something Awful Automated Telephone Content Delivery System which runs on, you guessed it, your home telephone. While availability will be limited during the initial roll-out (support for phone numbers containing the numbers 4, 5, and 9 coming Q4 2008) we are very excited to announce this new era of our glorious regime.

"The wide world of telephones has a rich and deep history and we are glad to finally be a part of it", said Rich Kyanka in a recent interview with Parenting magazine, "This new content paradigm is going to change the way web surfers gather content. Web 2.0? More like Web 2.Oh No, the telephone is back in business, boys!"

How does the new phone system work? It's as simple as 1-2-3! This one goes out to my homeboy Pastor John.

Step 1: Call our automated phone system at 1-900-555-AWFUL.

Step 2: ?

Step 3: Lose a substantial amount of investment capital!

To give you a little taste of what our phone system has in store for you we've decided to post some of our beta tester call logs. These are actual real life call logs for our imaginary phone system that we just made up. WE DID NOT MAKE UP THESE CALL LOGS IN ANY WAY, EXCEPT IN OUR HEADS.

Call Log: Thursday, November 2nd, 2006. 21:32:04 PM

SYSTEM ALERT: INCOMING CALL

The anime girl of your dreams is waiting to talk to YOU. Oh wait, that's the other phone project we're working on. Something Awful Automated Telephone System: Hello! Thank you for calling the Something Awful Automated Telephone System! This is your one stop shop for front page updates from the Internet's greatest comedy minds. Please stand by for our menu options.

If you would like to read a front page update, press 1. If you would like to hear a list of our current content pieces, press 2. To hear this message again-

Caller: *1*

SAATS: If you would like to read an update from Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka, press 1. If you would like to read an update from Evan "Pantsfis-

Caller: *1* *1* *1* *1* *1* *1*

SAATS: Please stand by for a list of current updates by Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka.

There are currently, 0, new updates for Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka. If you would like to choose from a list of other writers, pres-

Caller: *click*

SYSTEM ALERT: END OF CALL

Call Log: Friday, November 3rd, 2006. 15:02:54 PM

SYSTEM ALERT: INCOMING CALL

SAATS: Hello! Thank you for calling the Something Awful Automated Telephone System! This is your one stop shop for front page updates from the Internet's greatest comedy minds. Please stand by for our menu options as they have changed recently.

If you would like to read a front page update say, "front page". If you would like to read a content piece say, "content".

Caller: Front page.

SAATS: Did you say, "front page"? Please answer by saying "yes" or "no".

Caller: Yes.

SAATS: Did you say, "Yes"? Please answer by saying "yes" or "no".

Caller: Uh, yeah.

SAATS: Did you say, "Uh, yeah"? Please answer by saying "yes" or "no".

Caller: Yes!

SAATS: Please note that only yes and no answers are accepted. Please stand by for our menu options as they have changed recently.

Caller: What?

SAATS: Thank you for calling. Good-bye!

SYSTEM ALERT: END OF CALL

Call Log: Friday, November 10, 2006. 16:03:01

SYSTEM ALERT: INCOMING CALL

SAATS: Hello?

Caller: Uh, hello?

SAATS: Uhm, can I help you?

Caller: Is this the Something Awful phone thing?

Here's a fucking ferret and a cordless phone. SAATS: The what? What are you talking about?

*in the background* Megan! What are you doing? Don't pick that up!

What? Why?

That's the new phone system I installed so people can get front page updates over the telephone!

Caller: Is that Lowtax?? HI LOWTAX!!!

SAATS: Over the telephone? Is this what you do in your basement all day? How are people going to read articles over the telephone?

Uh, honey, the technology is virtually limitless!

Why are you taking up our telephone line for this? I need to make some phone calls.

Silly! Women don't use the phone!

Damnitt, Rich. I told you I'm sick of your crazy schemes! I want this stupid phone thing off our telephone right now!

Caller: Uh, I think I'll call back later.

SAATS: But honey the telephone is going to revolutionize the web! This is Web 3.6! This is going to make our wildest dreams come true!

*gunshots*

Caller: Oh shit! *click*

SYSTEM ALERT: END OF CALL

These are just three examples of the infinite ways you can enjoy our new automated phone system! Our goal is to make reading the Internet easier and more productive. And we aren't going to stop at the telephone. We have plans to take the front page to floppy disk, Beta Max, typewriter and Blu-Ray. It's an exciting new era at SA, and it's just the beginning.

Something Awful: The Telephone Makes You Stupid

– Hassan "Acetone" Mikal