The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Aptitude Test

MACHININ'

You are a doctor and only have time to save one of the following insured patients. Who will you save?

• A. A moderately successful juror/seminar attendee.
• B. A scientist working the kinks out of robot sex technology (Pinbot, etc.).
• C. An Internet comedy writer or a well-established child molester.
• D. No one; take the heart, sell it down by the docks. Use the money to buy a bus ride to your probation officer’s house. That fucker squealed for the last time.

If you could be any animal, what would you be?

• A. The often unseen but omnipresent household dog.
• B. Dinosaurs. I want to be dinosaurs.
• C. A cat in a large dog costume with hilarious shoes (ZANY).
• D. A deer with a tragic past and a dark secret who’s a loose cannon with three days left until retirement and may be off the case. This fall, action has a new name: D.E.E.R.S.T.A.L.K.E.R.

What is your ultimate goal in life?

• A. To hold a successful, multi-day yard sale.
• B. To make laser-based excitement a daily occurrence.
• C. To have at least an 80% success rate at shouting appropriate responses to movie trailers.
• D. To be as healthy as John Belushi (present day John Belushi).

JOKIN'

If anyone in your life understands you, it’s:

• A. The small man who comes by to read the gas meter.
• B. The math teacher with the aviator glasses who lets you call him by his first name.
• C. The weird, unmarried uncle who keeps buying you MAD Magazine.
• D. The EMT kind enough to inject adrenaline straight into your heart without asking incriminating questions such as, “How many fingers am I holding up?”

If you were a color, which one would you be?

• A. Off-white, or the color of slacks.
• B. The forgiving shade of basement grey.
• C. Dayglo.
• D. It doesn’t matter- all I see is pink ever since I sold my retinas for that bag of grass. It was actually grass. I’m an idiot.