The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Aptitude Test

September 14, 1987

Clearly this graph indicates some sort of science!Dear Concerned Parent(s),

With both Communism and the popularity of Phil Collins on the rise, it may be easy to overlook the problems of your children. Yes, the frantic pace of the 80s may grab you by your power tie (or possibly, your sensible shoulder pads) and never let go, but how important will your career be when little Bobby or Susie asphyxiates in an abandoned refrigerator? The answer: temporarily slightly less important.

But it can be hard to get inside our children’s heads, and many of us remember the stomach-churning episode of 60 Minutes where a well-meaning pre-school took a very literal approach to this strategy. We don’t suggest that you go this far. Luckily for you, we - Doctors Eastman and Laird of the Sheraton Inn Boiler Room Psychiatric Institute - have developed a test that allows you to know your child without resorting to horrible things such as talking to them and hearing “Daddy, my brain hurts,” even though you know they’re faking it. Children – as simple and stupid as they are – fall into four basic personality types, which are very similar to those from what many ignorant people call the “dark ages.” We’ve created an assortment of characters to fit these personality types, and from viewing the enclosed video (“Danger at Technodrome Cove”), your child will no doubt identify with one of them, and perhaps will want to dress up in pajamas designed around said character (please see enclosed coupons).

Simply ask your children the following questions after viewing the video, keeping a safe distance at all times. The results will give you a firm grasp of your child’s future, and save valuable hours which can be spent at cocaine parties (please see enclosed coupons).

Love,
Kevin “Doctor” Eastman
Peter “Backup Doctor” Laird