My 70-inch TV Will Fix Everything

Picked up the new Jorby 70-inch LED 3D TV, unboxed, hooked it into my surround, and let me tell you what, that baby is pretty impressive. I put on my Avatar disc, just to test it out, you know, but it was like a whole new experience. I had to sit down and watch it, start to finish.

You should get one. Great blacks, great color range. You can switch back and forth to 2D and 3D, but I like to watch 3D whenever I can. You should get one. Great blacks, great color range. Fills the emptiness in my life so much better than the 52-inch we had. Keeps my vision from narrowing to a red beam of hatred.

What phone are you using these days? You still got that iPhone 3G? Oh, what is that, like a Samsung? Jeez, man, I think I would poison everyone in this house and cut my own throat if I didn't have a 5. I mean, naturally, when the 6 comes out I am right there in line for it. I'll give the 5 to one of my babies that I hate to look at. Maybe it will shut him up for a second.

Hey, remember back in high school when we used to sit around and play Genesis in your dad's basement? Well, like, I'm the dad now, and my basement blows his out of the water. Kids aren't allowed to touch anything, of course, especially not my PS3 or Xbox, but we can game if you want. Just like back in the day.

You play PC games? You got, what, like a Dell or something? I built mine from the ground up off New Egg man. It's easy. Two Raytheon Hueycobra Fat Dogs. 64-bit 16 gig overclocked video cards. Trust me, bro, pushes some crazy pixels up that pipe. So many triangles flying at the screen I swear I can almost recapture that month or so I was happy back in 1995. Back before all of this bullshit.

What kind of sound system you rockin' in that gamer rig? It's not integrated, is it? Oh man, you've got to get a Thrilby Pompar XKM with a Jengler Pro Audio woofer and Kutcher 6-way speakers. It's what I have down in the basement for my gamer shrine. Pop a Leetware haptic gamer chair in the middle of the 6-way overlap and it will be like you are inside the game and not living a joyless nightmare in which one day your family will come home from the store and find you hanging in the basement.

You got a Tom Tom? The nav system in my car is Gizmodo's number one pick of 2012 to help you fill the void that threatens to swallow you up with madness. I'm so happy with it. You should get one. You can download voices off the Internet. Mine is Quagmire.

Hey, quick question for you: when a giant baby is forced by society to take on the full responsibility of a man, what can you buy from Think Geek to fix that? Something off Amazon? The PS Vita?

I'm guessing that iPad Mini will be able to do it. Want to camp out with me? We can watch TV shows I TiVo and don't watch from my Slingbox. I hate everything about my life except that amazing Slingbox.

– Techdad75 (@sexyfacts4u)