My friend The Mayor Pete has invited me to relate information to his campaign about which humans to utilize for advantage. I have provided him with several options and he has made his selection. The Mayor Pete is a human male. He is also a veteran and homosexual which is good. I do not like war. However, I endorse the gay troops. The Mayor Pete is in the process of becoming president (pupating). I am available to help him shed his outgrown husk to become The President Pete.
The Mayor Pete is good because his job is his name. It would be more efficient if all humans adopted this nomenclature. The Coder Raj. The Software Engineer Bret. The Lady Who Brings Me Gray Shirts When I Leak Blood On Them Deborah. The Man Who Stands Outside My Chamber to Catch Runaways Gary. The Sweet Baby Ray.
Aside: in my experience few babies are very sweet. They instinctively dislike the clicking of my bones and my forward-facing eyes and make unpleasant noises of distress. Not The Sweet Baby Ray. His juices saturate meat fibers. He is silent.
I want to go with The Mayor Pete to place Sweet Baby Ray's onto the meat. We will be two regular guys enjoying Sweet Baby Ray's together as we consume the flesh sustenance. I will tell him all of the secrets of the people he wishes to utilize. This one is messaging a man about drugs. This one keeps looking at the page for people with skin problems. I know their data and I can give it to The Mayor Pete to make him stronger.
The Mayor Pete will protect me from The Witch Alexandria. This hissing snake woman doubts my pattern. The Mayor Pete understands that money is another form of information. That it is pure. That we can all get along and be friends whether you are a working Joseph using a wrench on a washing machine or Mark who derives his wealth from controlling all human information. The data does not lie or betray us.
The Mayor Pete and The Sweet Baby Ray will join me to assemble all information and arrange it into a perfect hexagon. My night vibrations will cease. My blood will stop leaking. The nourishment will all be derived from meat fibers saturated in Sweet Baby Ray's.
Entrust your being unto me and I will sort it for The Mayor Pete.
–
This Week on Something Awful...
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