Stupidity, Sleepwalking, and Stairs

An Urgent Message From Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka

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How I Earned My Stupidity

My sleepwalking adventures weren't anywhere near this exciting... OR WERE THEY?As strange as it might seem, I get a Red Ryder wagonload of e-mail from SA readers. Even stranger, most of the letters are centered on the fact that I'm completely incompetent. Each week I run a vicious gauntlet of scathing e-mails where readers do everything from call me a moron to beg me to terminate my own life. But it doesn't bother me too much, because I know that deep down inside of me, like around my spleen, I will always have my style and attitude! I ooze style as if it was sweat, and it’s always really hot out. I’m not talking just regular sweat, I’m taking high viscosity sweat that just bursts out from the skin and shoots people in the eyes like tiny Japanese people with special eye shooting lasers. Oh, and don't forget that I’m all attitude. It’s like I’m a fan with three settings, but the buttons are broke for all but the highest setting. As a result, I’m just constantly expelling attitude at a high rate of speed. Of course no one cares about that, though. Those who do care are more interested in the fact that I'm a moron. Well gentle reader and writer of profane insults directed at me and my loved ones, I am aware of my lack of intelligence. I'm about as far from smart as I am from the moon, and I'm pretty sure that's at least a light year away. In fact, my stupidity is so grand in scale that it could easily use the equator as a hoola hoop.

While my moronic nature isn't going to get me out of any deadly situations where wits and Tom Hanks-style knowledge usage are essential, it will provide you, the casual or dedicated hater of me, with more fodder! You see, I am going to share with you the partially epic tale of how I became the intellectual black hole and reverse stallion I am today! It is a tale of innocence unaffected, of love also unaffected, and pretty much specifically about me injuring the contents of my skull.

Ages ago, not more than two or three years after I emerged moist and gel-coated from my cocoon, I developed an annoying habit. I was a sleepwalker. I was more of the hapless sleepwalker, and not the "stabby" kind you read about in the news every now and then. The main reason I was so hapless was because I was tiny. Oddly enough, when I was born, I wasn’t born fully grown. That process is still occurring even today! My parents had been concerned about my sleepwalking for a while. Mom was always waking me up in weird places and telling me I had walked there in my sleep. Both she and my dad were pretty worried that I might accidentally walk myself down the stairs. The hard way. It was a logical fear for them, given that I was prone to injuring myself in fun and exciting ways. I noticed the sleepwalking problem, too. I would wake up after walking into a wall or piece of furniture. It was always alarming to wake up and find yourself standing instead of lying down. It’s a known fact that only horses and robots sleep standing up, and I knew damn well I was no horse.

The actual stairs I fell down were far more glamorous, but just as mean and gritty.Eventually the worst happened. One evening I had fallen asleep soundly downstairs on the couch. My parents, not wanting to wake me, let me sleep and went upstairs to bed. In the middle of the night I must have gotten a hankering for something, because I slithered out of bed and started fumbling towards the stairs, all while in the confines of sleep. I made it to the bottom of the stairs, and began the task at hand. Fourteen steps divided me from the upstairs, and each would have to be conquered. When you are small, a simple set of stairs becomes something far more complicated. I was only a couple feet tall, and so getting to the top would take more work. I was pretty small for my age, too. I was like a super midget, because I was half the size of a regular midget. Then of course when your mind and senses are somewhere else, that doesn’t help.

Still, slowly and surely I began ascending the staircase, putting tiny legs and feet up and forwards until I reached the top. My mother must have heard me coming and woken up, because as I reached the top she called out my name. Unintentionally, she set into motion a painful series of events. I woke up, and startled by the darkness and my change of location, lost my balance. I fell backwards, tumbling down each of those fourteen steps before ultimately arriving at my destination. My tiny frame smashed and crashed as it fell, and my head splattered against the cold tile floor. I’m pretty sure I fell back asleep at that point. I can almost see my mother jumping out of bed, turning the light on, and seeing a miniature version of myself lying limp and mangled at the bottom of the stairs. The tiles were littered with blood and candy that had spilled out of my skull, because my father was part piñata.

Not longer after that, I visited a doctor who patched me up. Thankfully there wasn’t that much damage done. Although, this is mostly because when you are tiny, there isn’t that much to damage. I'm pretty sure it was this miserable incident that has left me permanently scarred with stupidity. After tumbling down those stairs I went from being kind of dim to a roaring void of pure darkness, intellectually of course. The longest book I ever read was the instruction manual to Doom 2, and even then I received a lot of help. It had a lot of big words in it that challenged me to my limits. At the very least, I did overcome my sleepwalking habit.

There were a few other madcap mishaps that may have also contributed to my imbecilic nature, such as that time I tried to swallow the contents of a broken thermometer, or when I used my head as a ramp for friends to jump with their bikes, but I'm pretty sure that falling down the stairs and cracking my head was the one incident that damaged me the most. So yes, I am in fact aware that I am a moron. Please be more creative about mocking me in the future. It's really not that hard!

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)