Stink Bug Facts

Halyomorpha halys, also known as the brown marmorated stink bug (BMSB), or simply “That thing is pissing me off so much I swear to god I will burn this house down if I find another one in my bedroom. This is not a joke, okay? I will seriously murder everyone if another one of those things comes near me.”

In Nature: unknown

In Your House: Every-fucking-where. Crawling up the walls, embedding themselves in carpet, hooked on the damn ceiling in a really high part you can’t reach without a chair and even then you’re going to need to use the broom. 

A brown, sliver-like shield body with the general appearance of a waterlogged scab. 2 to 3 centimeters in length. The physical embodiment of your nightmare, placed on this dead earth to undermine your sanity.

Male: often found either clinging to your hair while you watch television or crawling towards your hair while you watch television.

Female: prefer driving your cat insane by flying haphazardly around your bedroom at three in the morning, crashing repeatedly into furniture and then vanishing when you frustratingly turn on the lights.

Diet

Theories hypothesize that the stink bug feeds off human frustration. A single, “how the hell did it get in here?” is enough to keep it alive for months. Other possible forms of nourishment include: anger, levels of disgust strong enough to sends chills down your spine, agony, exhaustion, emotional defeat, and when you are so skeeved out it feels like there are bugs, like, crawling all over you right now. Recent studies have documented that a stink bug survived for three years upon a homeowner accidentally brushed one off her neck and screamed, “It’s February. Why is this even happening to me?” 

None. Though 99% of stink bugs are found clinging lifelessly to window screens, these are not deaths but abandoned husks upon the stink bug dividing into two/one million.  

Immortal. 

None. Instead perform what scientists describe as “haunt” your living space There are no seasonal changes, no reproduction cycles. There is only an endless barrage of stink bugs climbing across your window seals to die on top of your cable remote.

Injury related to failed exterminations often include: falling, electrocution, broken hands from punching through drywall, fatal inhalation of pesticides, and the increased chance of suicide as an endless scourge of these disgusting insects invade your life

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)