A Review of Steak-Umms' Social Web/Community Guidelines

Look at practically any Internet-related blog (actually-don't do this) and you'll see where time and time again, corporate social media gurus intend to be "one of the gang" and fit in with whatever conversations are even tangentially occurring around their product. Mention that you're headed to @TacoBell because you're hungover and some intern will say they "know that feel, bro." Say you got the runs from Pizza Hut and @PizzaHutCares will deliver one of tens of thousands of responses offering a fake apology and a link to complain. It's dumb, but it's how things go, and we're all pretty used to it at this point.

So where the hell does Steak-Umms, the fake steak made out of unwanted beef parts, get off being such a hardass?

Sunday update: Still blocked by @steak_umm

- Gary coolboobs (@Slappybrizzle) April 6, 2014

haha steak umm blocked me

- naterz (@twistofnate) April 7, 2014

Folks are getting blocked left and right by the frozen meat company. Seriously? No gentle ribbing? You have only like 700 followers and your product is minced up animal bits squirted out into flat sheets and frozen. Even DiGiorno pizza, classically the frozen pizza that doesn't even attempt to taste like anything but flour and paper, plays along online.

But it also took a turn for the dark this week. Steak-umm Corporation went so far as to tweet an Ayn Rand quote within the last day or so: "A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others." I'll suppose it was intended to be inspirational--and sure, you could probably find Stalin quotes that sound inspirational when out of context-but there's something about the thought of eating ground-up meat squirts from a cutthroat libertarian-idolizing company that didn't quite sit well with a large number of Twitter users, so they deleted it for some reason.

It was around this time on Monday afternoon that Steak-umm took it upon itself to publish its very own Steak-Umm Social Media Web/Community Guidelines. (Mirrored here.)

These are rules that you are expected to follow if you interact with, mention, or otherwise invoke the spirit of Steak-Umm Social Media Frozen Meat Squirts Company Website Social Media Online.

Let's read the best parts.

Steak-umm Meats® is pleased to provide various social media platforms and sites to enable interaction with the consumers and the public. Every day, people embrace and discuss our company, our products and our brand online. We truly understand the importance of these discussions and interactions. We encourage your comments! In order to keep our social media sites focused, in a safe, responsible and fun environment for our fans and customers, we have set some community guidelines.

Here we can see that Steak-umm management has taken it upon itself to keep the online Steak-Ummsphere "safe, responsible and fun," because historically humankind has had barrels of fucking fun chatting about Steak-umms on the internet, except occasionally there's been a rash of crime on the Steak-umms social presence or whatever. Okay dudes.

In Summary:
You have to be at least 18 years old
The Don'ts:
Don't do anything illegal or send us content that encourages illegal activities.
Don't be a jerk or worse. No obscene, harassing or abusive communications. Think about what your grandma might say!
Don't be a fake-if you're not really Elvis, we don't want to hear from you.
Don't spam or send us unwanted posts.
Don't hack us or send us viruses.
Don't spread lies and rumors about Steak-umm or our competitors.

Okay, no kids. There's no kid shit happening on Steak-Umms social media presence. And don't send us any shit that encourages us to do illegal activities. Also, fuck off Elvis, and stop spreading rumors about Steak-umms and Steak-umms competitors. Also, Elvis, stop hacking Steak-umms' servers. The central database password "delicious_pressed_trimmings_of_undesirable_meat_parts" is a fucking secret, Elvis. Stop doing the hacks. You are fucked up, Elvis. Cool it. Give back the data.

Steak-umm Meats® may disclose information about your communications and activities with Steak-umm Meats® and/or in relation to any Social Media Site in response to lawful requests by governmental authorities or for the protection of Steak-umm Meats®' rights or the rights of third parties as Steak-umm Meats® may deem appropriate in its reasonable discretion. In the event that Steak-umm Meats® exercises any of its rights hereunder for any reason, Steak-umm Meats® will have no liability to you.

STEAK-UMMS WILL SNITCH ON YOU. Steak-umms doesn't give a shit. "Yes, hello, police? It's Steak-umms again. They posted a picture of a man's rump this time. Yes officer, I can see the hole." Ruthless.

You fully release Steak-umm Meats® from any and all claims that may arise regarding your use of or participation on the Social Media Site and/or the use, accessing or posting of the Content.

I think "fully releasing" Steak-umm Meats is practically guaranteed any time you ingest it. Hey-ooo.

Is this the turning point? Is this Web 5.0-or-whichever-one-we're-on-now? Brands just don't give a shit anymore and start blocking anyone who dares look at their frozen meat product in anything less than an incredibly serious light?

You guys are scary, Steak-Umms. Good job.

– SA Social Media Digital Report International (@fart)