What to Say to Stay Inside

It's spring aka the worst part of the year aka you can no longer blame the weather for why you've spent the last sixteen hours sitting inside. Now with the sun and the warmth and the generally pleasant atmosphere, you need to stay on your toes if you want to stay in your chair. With these helpful lines, you won't get tricked into going outside any time soon.

What You Say
I’m allergic to pollen/leaves/birds/dirt/shadows and, based on my calculations, today is really bad for that/those things I just said.

What You Mean
I think Netflix just added some new documentaries about drug cartels and I wouldn’t miss that for the world.

What You Say
Recent research links sunlight to autism. So no, I will not be joining you on your picnic. And no, I cannot provide you with peer-reviewed evidence.

What You Mean
I’ve penciled in the next seven hours for yelling at noobs in Dota2.

What You Say
Grill hotdogs? Are you kidding me? It’s tick season. Do you want to end up like Avril Lavigne? I didn’t think so, buck-o.

What You Mean
 I am in my comfy chair with a bag of kettle chips and the pleasure I am receiving from this is verging on erotic.

What You Say
A refrigerator is getting delivered to my house between the hours of midnight and midnight. I didn’t order one, but now it is too late to cancel.

What You Mean
I’m going to stare at cosplay pictures for personal reasons.

What You Say
 I don’t like the sun and no one likes baseball.

What You Mean
I don’t like the sun and no one likes baseball.

What You Say
Until Palestine can freely join the United Nations, I feel it best to impose limitations upon my own borders—ie: the front door.

What You Mean
I have to poop.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)