Spout.ly: Sour Sips for September 2015

This article is part of the Spout.ly Drinking Fountain Reviews series.

New to the sipping scene? Brush up on your fountain lingo.

It's been a painful month thus far for Shaggy Butte's steadfast sippers. While a few fountains have shown great promise, such as the VFW Hall's new fountain, many are pumping out plenty of disappointment. Unless you've simply gotta try 'em all, keep your thirst away from these certified diarrhea hydrants. -Spout.ly Senior Editor Chris Bluefield

Shaggy Butte Family Court

Top Comments:

"Two miscarriages of justice in one day. First, the lady judge takes away my visitation rights, then I take a sip from this stinker. For the record, my boy got those parasites from sharing his old man's passion for drinking fountains. Hydrating your kids is a crime now. If you ask me, the lady judge should be thrown in jail for allowing this fountain to endanger the public. Tastes like stagnant water from the inside of an old tire, with a real drooler of a spigot." -Gusher

"A poison fountain to go along with the poisonous justice system bent on destroying fathers' rights. This bubbler is slow as molasses, which is why I was 20 minutes late for my custody hearing. I couldn't get quenched fast enough. Water tastes like it was filtered through a cat." -BigSlurper

Shaggy Butte Humane Society

Top Comments:

"I came here to have my dog euthanized and decided to try the fountain. It really put a sour note on the whole trip. Terrible rust water, as thick as syrup." -Inflow

"Rancid water with a strong hint of spigmata. The ambiance is terrible, too. Loud barking, crying staff, vexing hum of flickering, florescent lightbulbs. My view from the fountain was unsettling. There was a small brown dog eating the face off another dog, who seemed to be enjoying it. This fountain had one saving grace: the drain handled my vomit with ease." -William Randolph Thirst

Power Pump Gym

Top Comments:

"Everyone here is a giant, gross meathead. The trainers are pushy and rude, and love to interrupt your sips to try to pressure you into exercising. They will demand to see your membership, but usually you can finish your sip and leave. Water tastes like drain water, definite hint of decaying leaves and motor oil. Complex, but not pleasant." -Sipswell

"A man lifted me over his head and spun me around, causing me to lose control of my butt. It shut him up, and he ran to the showers like a baby. I calmly returned to finishing my sip, which was disgusting. I think they're pumping out sweat from this thing. Salty, metallic, and the temperature is too warm. The very definition of pathetic." -Hydrat0r

Shaggy Butte Community Shelter

Top Comments:

"The homeless here have not been good stewards of this fountain. It is riddled with gum, phlegm and a perfectly intact bird skeleton. If they put just 10% of the energy they spend being homeless into caring for this fountain, it could be worthy of at least a 30% score." -Moist Man

"A gulp-and-go for the completionist crowd. Taste is bad, and it's covered with band-aids and hardened phlegm. I don't recommend power sipping, as a lot of these homeless are gummers. My dad was here, and he kept trying to hug me, which prevented me from properly evaluating the bouquet." -Sir Sips-a-Lot

Last Chance Pawn Shop

Top Comments:

"I used to do all my Christmas shopping here thanks to the great selection of knives and masks. Ron, the owner, took great pride in his fountain. Since he died, his son turned a cold stallion into a real birdbath. It's barely accessible from behind the Red Bull vending machine, and the flow has been severely retarded. Basin is clogged with cat hair, and the spigot appears to have blood on it. I've tasted better toilet water many times." -Waterbaron

"Another classic fountain ruined by millennials. This used to be a real hidden gem around town, perfectly tuned to ANSI fountain standards. The new owner has tinkering too much, and hasn't even cleaned it since that meth addict gouged his eye out on the spigot. Water is too mineral heavy. Needs a filter." -TepidPool

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)