Spotify's New Income Generating Updates

• Free users will hear one repeated featured commercial for thirty days. This month’s commercial is for Arby’s. It features Pitbull.
• During peak hours (6am – 2am), free service is limited to the Now That’s What I Call Music discography.
• Arby’s commercials are played three times in a row after every other song, providing full integration between user and Pitbull. The commercial is accompanied with a video that cannot be minimized. It also features Pitbull.
• Fun New Feature: Interactive Social Dynamic. Spotify will now begin broadcasting to all your friends that you’ve been listening to Bare Naked Ladies – One Week on repeat. It will show up on your profile. It will be shared in the social feed. The more songs you play to cover it up, the more it will appear. To remove yourself from the Interactive Social Dynamic, free users simply need to pay a BNL microtransaction.

• All Arby commercial volume is to be played seven times louder than music to ensure that free user will be jolted out of any focus, ensuring the Arby sandwich and Pitbull receive maximum attention.
• Mandatory Rest Period will take place for the last ten minutes of every hour. During this time, free users will be unable to stream, but can freely listen to whatever mp3s they can scavenge from their iTunes circa 2009.
• Music will grow quieter each song until it becomes inaudible to the human ear all together. Music will begin again once user completes microtransaction reinstatement. Commercials will remain available during any stoppages with volume unchanged. [Available to free users only]
• Fun New Feature: Computerized Pitbull Remix (CPR). Spotify is proud to announce the next step in automated DJ algorithms, adding Pitbull interjections about roast beef to your song regardless of genre.  providing a seamless integration between your music, Pitbull, and Arby’s.
• BNL microtransactions must be paid through fifteen separate transactions within Spotify, each interrupted with loud Arby’s videos.
• For a onetime purchase, free users can equip a variation of the CPR system, where the Arby’s CEO talks about Pitbull in the middle of your songs.
• Free users are still allowed to click Private Session, but the tracklist is immediately posted on their Facebook timeline with the headline “Weird music listened to by your friend…They hate this!”
• Spotify might actually make you pay.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)