Spoiled Brats

Even more horrible spoilers guaranteed to ruin your life:

• In Transformers' last episode Audiobot is killed by Boltron above the Hebrew National factory. Boltron then transforms into a cabbage field to hide from his shame, which is absolute.

• The last hurrah for Friends brought some closure to the gang, but also great sadness and confusion. Ross suffers a severe seizure and is later killed by a taxi cab while chasing a mysterious odor through the streets. It is ruled a suicide, but Chandler and Joey believe otherwise and break into the morgue to conduct an impromptu autopsy. They discover a massive tumor practically crushing his brain. The two cry over the body of their fallen friend. Meanwhile, Rachael discovers a letter from Monica. She has departed for Eastern Europe at the behest of a strange suitor with an eerie control over her.

• In the final episode of Golden Girls, the gals struggle with yet another controversial subject: euthanasia. Eventually they all agree to pull the plug on Sophia, who had been in a persistent vegetative state for most of season seven due to Estelle Getty's off-screen battle with methamphetamines.

• Gilligan's Island raised more questions than it answered with its cliffhanger ending, largely due to cancellation. In the final episode Skipper returns from his spiritual journey to the heart of the island as a drastically changed man. The question of "who will Gilligan choose?" is seemingly answered when he and Mary Ann kiss, causing a distraught Ginger to run into the jungle. Thurston Howell risks his life to activate a beacon in a sunken submarine off the coast of the island, and the Professor is taken hostage by guest star Don Rickles and his mysterious cohorts.

• HBO's Oz ended with a bang. The entire prison nearly riots when the newest inmate played by Wil Wheaton shows up and upsets the delicate power balances in play. After stabbing half the cast, he is promptly taken over by the ghost of Luke Perry, still wandering the prison in search of a host. Gay Elliot Stabler helps Chet from Weird Science kill Nazi J. Jonah Jameson in the middle of a performance of Macbeth and pretty much everybody else gets stabbed or dies of anthrax for no reason whatsoever.

• The beloved comedy Seinfeld ended with Jerry deciding to move to the Holy Land, where he is then injured by a suicide bomber. Kramer, Elaine, and George immediately jump on a plane to visit their ailing friend, but it is hijacked and flown into the World Trade Centers. It was voted the funniest episode ever by TV viewers.

• The much anticipated Full House finale nearly never aired, due in part to the fact that one of the identical twins that played Danny Tanner was arrested for DUI. The episode was eventually produced and aired, but unfortunately the non-speaking twin had to do the work of two men. Audiences were confused by his constant silence throughout the heartbreaking end. Meanwhile, Michelle comes to terms with the harrowing prospect of life as a quadriplegic.

• ALF's finale shocked many, as it featured ALF graphically eating the family's cat, Lucky. Producers insisted on having the cat killed on screen, to preserve the artistic integrity of the series. The network agreed to it and to pay all fines, but the stunt was a huge success with critics and audiences. The TV series Rosanne would later shamefully attempt to copy it, to near universal derision.

• Millions tuned in to see the final episode of Family Matters, in which the conflict between Urkel and Carl comes to a head. The show picks up from the last episode with Urkel bleeding and stuffed in the trunk of Carl's car, now resting at the bottom of the Chicago River. Carl wrestles with guilt throughout the episode, pretending to be okay, but his wife Harriette can see that something is bothering him. Eventually the guilt gets the better of him, and he rushes out of the house to rescue Urkel. Carl confesses to a fellow police officer, and the vehicle is quickly pulled from the river by authorities. When they pop open the trunk, they find it completely empty. Urkel escaped with the aid of a Schwarzschild Wormhole Generator (SWG) he built out of spare parts in the trunk. Believing that Carl is simply under extreme stress caused by Urkel, he is sent home on a leave of absence to get some rest. Later that night, Urkel materializes in his room and strangles him with his suspenders. Harriette discovers the body shortly thereafter and decides to take her own life.

I sincerely apologize for spoiling any and all of those shows. It simply had to be done.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)