The Something Awful All-Star Matchup!

Sports fans throughout the Internet are currently writing in and voicing their disgust with sports.

As Livestock mentioned in his Monday update, we're currently lodged in the esophagus of Sports Fever. This is great for all you people who like observing the ranting, screeching, insane antics of famous celebrity fat person Chris Berman / John Madden (they're the same individual), but it's definitely horrible news for anybody who doesn't like watching large black men repeatedly pat each other on the ass for prolonged periods of time. We've got professional baseball going through their divisional playoffs, putting such exciting teams as the Minnesota Twins, Anaheim Angels, Saint Louis Cardinals, and San Francisco Giants against each other in what can only be dubbed "the absolute most boring team showoff in the history of the universe." The only great thing about baseball is when the New York Yankees lose and make their insane, rabid, drooling fans go crazy because the Yankees' annual payroll is now greater than America's GNP. If I were New York Yankee's owner George Steinbrenner, I'd just start throwing barrels of cash around and bribing everybody in sight until the Yankees are in their own division, the "Major League Cool Guys Division" which is in same league as The New Jersey Felons and The Syracuse Sunny Shades Retirement Vista. Then I'd pay the Russian Space System $40 million to launch me to the moon because if I'm George Steinbrenner, I think that's the only area of real estate large enough to hold my bulky, bloated frame and horrific ego.

Then we have the National Football League, a sports competition that pits various teams against each other in a contest to see how many of their players can stay out of prison for the longest amount of time. Much like the National Baseball League, which is experiencing a bizzarro-world team playoff of its own, the Oakland / Los Angeles / Jupiter Raiders have the best record to date, which doesn't make much sense because the Raiders average 900 million yards of penalties per game and were fined for backing a SUV over Drew Bledsoe in the middle of the Raiders / Bills game last week. I'm fairly sure the Raiders' playbook consists entirely of schemes stolen from Mutant League Football, the game which allowed you to throw exploding footballs at cheerleaders.

However, none of this is very important or even interesting to me, probably because I'm from Kansas City and our sports teams have about as much chance of ever landing in the playoffs as me going through the day without throwing up or weeping for hours at a time. With this in mind, Something Awful has created our very own All-star Matchup, putting the heroes and villains of the world against each other in what could possibly be the absolute most exciting thing ever, or at least a shitload more exciting than anything the Twins, Angels, Cardinals, or Giants can offer, which is namely a three-hour nap. Let's get on to the competition and showcase off the finalists in this hard-hitting, exciting, no-holds-barred showdown!

SA Division East

Coach Shaalam

The Egyptian Mummies -Known for their magic on and off the field, the Mummies are able to accomplish such stunning feats such as "walking around while wrapped up in bandages" and "moaning nonstop until all viewers have to forcibly mute the audio." The Mummies are being coached by 782nd-year veteran Ra Shaalam, who has repeatedly led his team to victory against such adversaries as the Santa Monica Clueless Archeological Students and the Cairo Stupid, Scared, Superstitious Villagers. Much like the Transylvanian Vampires, many teams know of The Mummies main weakness - their coach - who if is ever killed, all players are contractually obligated to either turn to dust or become free agents on the dust market. The Mummies have sought to rectify this problem by entrapping Coach Shaalam in the most protective area known to man, the Popemobile locked inside one of those rotating metal spheres from "American Gladiators." Unfortunately, the Pope and his henchmen have kept The Mummies at bay with holy water powered sniper rifles and Bible-launching catapults.

The Atlantic Pirates -The Pirates are a fan favorite across the globe, mystifying viewers with their exciting trademark moves and cunning maneuvers, as well as their tendency to rape virtually anything. They've been thrown out of seventeen games this year after umpires and referees determined that The Pirates used their swords and flaming oil to murder the entire opposing team while raping large portions of the audience and stealing their "precious booty." The Pirates come into the postseason armed with All-star"Crazy" Redeyes Gharrison, who recently used his ship, "The Filthy Semen-Encrusted Mermaid Anus" to launch cannonballs at the office of the League Commissioner for twelve consecutive days. After the siege was finished, Gharrison boarded the decimated office and began raping the Commissioner's office supplies. He was later interviewed by SAASSIASA (Something Awful All-star Sports Illustrated About Something Awful) and was quoted as saying, "yarrrr, we be rapin' the shit out of ye bisquits, time to hole up ye holes and man yer pansy asses out of town, lest ye be riddin' out by us."

SA Division Southeast

The Transylvanian Vampires -Although limited to playing only night games, The Vampires have nonetheless made a name for themselves in the SA Division West after tabloid reporters discovered they used the blood of virgins instead of champagne to celebrate, and the blood of virgins instead of Tylenol for their medical staff personnel. The Vampires have many valuable assets, such as the vague, indecipherable set of "Vampire Only" rules which allow them, among other things, to sometimes fly around, randomly turn into bats (both the animal and the sports tool), and charm teenage girls into falling in love with them because they are either Brad Pitt or somebody who vaguely resembles Brad Pitt on the WB Network. Vampires coach Sal Accardonavia will have to learn to get his team to "play together" if he wants to win in the postseason playoffs, as the rumor mill claims Sal is too busy attempting to figure out a way to cut costs by filling the Gatorade coolers with sausage and pig's blood. Some analysts claim "the stakes are high," but analysts are all morons for making such a stupid pun about vampires.

The Dragon Crotch Ninjas -Hailing from the small Japanese island of "Death Skull Secret Fire Volcano Dragon Crotch Isle," the Dragon Crotch Ninjas use their stealth and cunning moves to bewilder the enemy with a series of stealthy and, well, cunning moves that range from "vanishing in an explosion of smoke" to "stabbing them in the face with a very long sword." The Ninjas, which used to have a 30-year long training requirement that had a 94% mortality rate, now simply clone off their precious "ninja gene" in a large, stainless steel vat full of mysterious neon green chemicals that begin to bubble up when you sneak into their factory and look at them. The Dragon Crotch Ninjas successfully beat off their longtime rivals, the Shogun Shotgun Samurais, by refusing to adhere to the Samurais strict book of ethics which include such rules as "SAMURAI MUST NEVER FIGHT OPPONENT WHO DOES NOT HAVE 18 MORE WEAPONS THAN SAMURAI" and "SAMURAI MUST FIGHT DRUNK AND BLINDFOLDED TO EVEN THE ODDS." The Dragon Crotch Ninjas capitalized on this 1700-page rulebook by sneaking into their main office one day and swiping the book, replacing it with one that exploded and blew shrapnel all over the surrounding 100-yard radius.

Photo from the rigorous Ninja Training Camp.

SA Division West

The Amityville Pussy Ghosts -The once strong "Ghost" division has been dismantled over the past 20 years, leaving The Amityville Pussy Ghosts as the only remaining contender. Previous Ghost teams, such as the Akron Spooky, Dry Ice-Infested Cemetery Specters and the Dead, Buried Native Americans From Hell were disqualified from league play when they failed to show up at any roadgames, unable to play anywhere except the haunted houses and burial grounds where their passage is limited to. The Amityville Pussy Ghosts were able to somehow get inside and haunt objects from the famous Amityville Horror house, and have paid Yellow Shipping to haul them around the world to various games. The three All-Stars of the Amityville Pussy Ghosts include starting offensive shortstop Haunted Clock, utility lineman Haunted Soapdish, and the three-time MVP backend safety Haunted Mirror That Shows Pictures of Dead People to the Camera When Somebody Passes By It But the Actual Person Never Sees It, Making the Effect Totally Useless. Although they have the ability to possess many opposing teammates, they seldom have the opportunity to, as the possession procedure takes roughly two hours and involves convincing the target to walk up and get cut by the haunted item, or, in rare cases, simply lick it.

HarmCo's Android Strike Force -This exciting team is literally ripping up the scene, primarily by using their nuclear grenade launcher arms and chaingun faces. The Androids are the current model of HarmCo's ZXY 9,000,000 line of attack androids, made primarily for the US military and programmed to go out of control and start killing all human beings after three days of use. They have a bewildering arsenal of offensive weapons, ranging from that one big gun that makes shit explode when shot, to that even bigger gun that makes even more shit explode when shot. HarmCo's coach, CEO Steubins Von Peivich, promises that he'll "see his team get to the big game, even if I have to blow up the entire fucking stadium and everybody in it." Since this has previously been their basic strategy towards winning games, we expect to see more of this innovative playcalling in the future. Please note that we will be broadcasting the game from aerial cameras located hundreds of feet above the game, transmitting to a mobile station over 50 miles away.

SA Time Travel Division

The Rowdy Cowboys -Always drunk and ready to shoot minorities, The Rowdy Cowboys have somehow slipped into the playoffs for the first time in over 100 years. Their lack of teamwork and overall incompetence can be traced to a grueling workout routine which consists of drinking alcohol, peeing on things, and shooting their handguns into the air while screaming. In fact, nobody really knows how The Rowdy Cowboys were able to make the playoffs considering their 4-128 record was the worst in the league this year. Sports analysis's claim Cowboys Coach Tex "Tex" Whitey was able to "convince" the League Commissioner by lifting him up, placing him on the top of a bar, and sliding him down until he hit all the drinks and flew into the rotted wood wall. The Rowdy Cowboys hope to play against The Amityville Pussy Ghosts in the playoffs, as they long to once again murder the spirits of potential Native Americans that they had previously murdered.

The Cambrian Cavemen -Despite the fact that cavemen didn't even exist in the Cambrian period of time, this has done very little to discourage what many consider to be the "up and coming" challengers from an "old and outgoing" race of people. The cavemen recently beat out the dynamic "Time Traveling Moon Space Monkeys" to end up in the SA Division Time Travel finals. Coach and third footman Vogbis Ogg has been known on and off the field for his creative, inspirational euphemisms such as "play more good be beat rock smash fist skull mud" and "no lose eat more bug." Even without the spectacular leadership of Ogg, the Cavemen look good on paper, especially compared to their arch-rivals "rock" and "scissors."

Well this definitely looks to be much more exciting than both the National Football League and National Baseball League combined. Although the SA All-star Finals lacks the rude sportsmanship of the Oakland Raiders and the nonstop boredom of, well, any team in baseball, we believe that this year's lineup will undoubtedly be the most popular ever, drawing in fans from thousands of countries and time periods together to watch this one exciting event. Stay tuned for the intense details!

The EPG RPG!!

Famed Mexican wrestler El Pinto Grande has completed work on his epic roleplaying game masterpiece. You take on the role of El Pinto himself, adventuring around his home and battling three different opponents in the blood-soaked squared circle of Tijuana. Do you dare to step into his boots and cape?

For less of man this is maybe discourage them from eating, but broken glass is like cupped cakes to a Hercules of your statures. CRUNCH and down goes the Legal Eagle Surprise. Clean up with the hose is completeds and you are ready for your meetings.

YOU HAVE GAIN SPECIAL ITEM: INTERNAL HEMORRHAGE.

INTERNAL HEMORRHAGE HAS BEEN ADDED TO YOUR POCKETS.

Now it is time for going to the lunches! Better it is not to keep the Captain of the Wrestling Franchises waiting or he might get tested.

This is truly a day of great importance in the history of professional wrestling! Head on over and become the luchador you've always dreamed of!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)