SkyMall Product Reviews: Giant Red King Crab Statue

This article is part of the SkyMall Product Reviews series.

We provide everything but the butter! Our exclusive, larger-than-life Colossal Crustacean King Crab statue is a perfect visual delicacy near a pond, bar or pool. Complete with pinchers, claws and nested legs, this titanic Crab sculpture boasts a three foot width, easily spotted in deep seas or in your party room.

Customer Rating:
By Seaworthy from Anacortes, WA

A fitting tribute to Crabnar, our Lord and Savior from the Briny Depths below.

I shall pray always to this altar, and make sacrifices worthy of His Succulence.

Age: 41-45

----------

Customer Rating:
By Francis from Bend, OR

Very lifelike, except for size which is bigger than normal.

Pros: Looks the part!

Cons: CLAWS WON'T LET GO OF MY INNER THIGH, and my wife thinks I'm faking it. I have soiled myself multiple times, and still she refuses to help. I CAN'T CALL 911 FROM AN IPAD, so please somebody help.

Age: 36-40

----------

Customer Rating:
By Mall Wonder from Rapid City, SD

I can't afford this thing, but I really, really, really, reaaaaallllly want it. Would anyone here be willing to go halves with me? We can split it evenly, 50/50. I would prefer to do that than deal with sharing it. Half of this thing will satisfy all my needs.

Age: 21-25

----------

Customer Rating:
By SkyHighMike from Scranton, PA

This is the first and only statue I've been able to afford ever, and I promise you I am both ready to treasure it and prepared to maintain it.

You have not made a mistake selling me King Crab Statue (SKU: 29439GRP). I will not let you down, SkyMall. I intend to send you regular updates throughout my life keeping you abreast of any and all developments.

Once again, thank you for this opportunity. It means a lot to me.

Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU!

Age: 26-30

----------

Customer Rating:
By ANGRY MAN from Broken Arrow, OK

This expensive purchase failed to impress my friends and rivals, which was the only reason I bought it. Most people suggested I was compensating for something, even though I assured them I am well within the margin of error for average size.

I dumped him back in the sea, where he belongs. It was a long drive and huge waste of gas money. Thanks for nothing, a******s.

Age: 31-35

----------

Customer Rating:
By Gun Showman from Rockford, IL

THIS GUY IS HEAVY. I didn't count on that, and it ruined my Big Plan (wrestling it in my yard to impress Gladys across the street). I was out of breath just dragging it outside, and then was not able to lift it off me once I pretended like it had pinned me down. I ended up spending a couple days on the lawn, trapped under him. Don't think I'll be getting to second base with Gladys anytime soon, but King Crab isn't the worst company.

Age: 51-55

----------

Customer Rating:
By Lance in Kalamazoo, MI

King Crab, and what a pretentious name that is, really pushed my buttons. I'm fed up with him, and I'm kicking him out. If anybody wants him, you can find him rotting in the middle of Kalamazoo and Burdick, where I abandoned him to die.

I will not be welcoming this crustacean back into my home under any circumstances. You had your chance. You blew your chance.

Age: 36-40

----------

Customer Rating:
By Burton from Conway, AR

I did not purchase this crab myself. I am writing this review on behalf of my brother, Ronald, who has spent damn near every penny he owns (and a hell of a lot he doesn't) buying these King Crab Statues. At last count, I think he has 15, and a few more are already on the way.

I don't know why he is buying them, or why he is stacking them up in the backyard creating a giant pillar. He won't tell me. He won't talk to me anymore, and when he does talk it doesn't make a lick of sense. Something about the sea boiling and the great reign ending.

I hate King Crab and all he stands for. I want him dead, and I want every last one of these statues destroyed. That's why it pains me so much to give King Crab a perfect five star review, the highest review possible, because it has given Ronald so much purpose and joy. From the bottom of my heart, thank you SkyMall. My gratitude is matched only by my hatred for King Crab, who is an evil force. An evil force bringing so much happiness to my brother. So thanks again.

Age: 36-40

----------

Customer Rating:
By Dad4Life from Fort Collins, CO

For the same price, you can eat a lethal amount of real crab meat. That's exactly what I intend to do. I love you Maggie, Jimmy, Susan and Bryce. Your daddy is so proud of you, and know you will all have a great life. Be kind to your mother.

Age: 41-45

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)