SkyMall Product Reviews: MLB Forest Face

This article is part of the SkyMall Product Reviews series.

The newest craze in outdoor decor, Forest Faces attach to trees, fences or even walls outside your home or campsite, and let visitors know which team you're rooting for.

Customer Rating:
By John Boy from Tucson, AZ

A year ago my face was eaten off by my former step son and his friends, who were all high as kites on bathroom salts. It's been horrible for a lot of reasons, and sidelined me from the dating game. I purchased this kit in the off chance it would work on humans. It does. The durable hooks latched onto my skull with ease. The new lips and nose fit snugly and look like the real thing. I only need one of the eyes, so it's good to have a spare.

This big, faceless sports fan gives the Forest Face two thumbs up. I'm back in the dating game and you better believe I'm seeing some surprised expressions with my new look and confidence.

Age: 46-50

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Customer Rating:
By ChurchDad from Bee Cave, TX

MY MASTURBATING SON has been driving me up the wall, so I ordered a dozen of these to affix to all our trees. Son, I'll say, This is The Circle of Hell where all Masturbators get turned into Trees. Oh, no, father, he'll weep. He'll be scared straight and with any luck he'll grow to view his genitals as the enemy. If you plan to do this, I recommend you choose the Yankees because that further drives home the point about masturbation being a sin.

Age: 41-45

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Customer Review:
By VICTIMNOMORE from Portland, OR

THAT'S THE MAN!!! For years the police have been searching for the man who attacked me, and now I see his face right here on SkyMall. Whoever modeled for this Forest Face was the same man who brutally assaulted me four years ago, leaving me for dead. I would never forget that face or that ballcap he wore. He looked exactly like this, only he was not a tree. But those eyes, that nose, and mouth are all an exact match. I can only hope the appearance of this product reopens the investigation, and not just my old wounds. Shame on you, SkyMall.

Age: 36-40

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Customer Review:
By LumberJack from Lincoln, NE

Just a face? Heh. Let me know when you get below the neck, then we'll have some business to conduct, SkyMall.

Age: 26-30

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Customer Review:
CompassionFox from Chicago, IL

I HATE, HATE, HATE all sports because of the fixation on gender and the rape-gloryifing mentality of athletic competition. Does SkyMall offer any gender neutral faces that aren't associated with sports? In my mind's eye I'm seeing a lot of androgynous faces on the trees in my backyard (note that I did not claim ownership of the trees, for they cannot be owned), each representing a different type of way in which ordinary HUMANS are silenced by the shackles of gender constructs. Please update your catalog accordingly.

Age: 31-35

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Customer Review:
By Dr. Funnybones from Denver, CO

Long time shopper, first time reviewer. I like this face. I like putting faces on things. I'm the sort of guy who gets in trouble because he likes to put googly eyes on things, like a women's backsides. HR says I create a hostile work environment but I'm just having a good time and respecting women more because I'm keeping eye contact. Trees? Well, why not. I also like sports. I like hooting, hollering, pumping my fist, drinking beer and seeing a man hit a ball. Let's do this! Rock & Roll, no Obama.

Age: 36-40

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Customer Review:
By Lady_of_the_Forest@xoom.com from Newport, OR

Let me just say that this product is an abomination to the Eternal Spirit of the Forest. Trees don't need faces, because faces are how mundane humans interact with each other. Trees are tremendously spiritual creatures and do not like being dressed up as humans, groomed or given "funny hats." Obviously this product is degrading to trees, idiots.

Age: 46-50

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Customer Review:
By Bill from Lubbock, TX

Those lips look pretty nice. I imagine if you lined them up with a hole in the tree, a nice sappy hole, and the lips were sufficiently elastic or became flexible and soft when wetted, you could really go to town on that tree. I am a landscaper.

Age: 31-35

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)