SkyMall Product Reviews: Cowch Holstein Cow Bench

This article is part of the SkyMall Product Reviews series.

You'll be comfortable until the cows come home on this ingenious "Cowch" that's wide enough to put two out to pasture!

Customer Rating:
By Jimmy from Schaumburg, IL

A great replacement for my two goat chairs, which are rotting due to some piss-poor work by my brother-in-law, the "world's greatest great taxidermist."

Five stars for this great country couch, zero stars for Pete, the idiot my idiot sister married.

Age: 36-40

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Customer Rating:
By FarmFresh from Brandywine, WV

The perfect addition to my living room. The hardy resin exterior is fantastic, because I can just hose it down to remove all the raccoon dung that tends to accumulate.

Age: 61-65

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Customer Rating:
By AngelEyes from Winnfield, LA

I am deeply, deeply disappointed with my purchase. It clashes with my King Tut Sarcophagus Cabinet, even though they both came from the same place!!! SkyMall, get your act together!

Age: 41-45

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Customer Rating:
By TexasBornandBread from Winters, TX

After installing one of these on my porch, a large bull started menacing my house trying to woo the dang couch. The damn thing tried to mount my couch while I was sitting on, pinning me between the two while I hollered for dear life and attempted to make peace with my maker right there between a cow-shaped couch and a hot-and-heavy bull. I am a broken man after that, and will not be ordering anymore animal-shaped furniture for the rest of my days on this earth. I am lucky my neighbor was there to intervene. Just wish to god he hadn't filmed it and put it on the you tubes.

Age: 56-60

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Customer Rating:
By Huntsman from Craig, CO

Felt rough and cold. Got too many ex-wives like that. Found some skin. Now it feels soft and smooth. Warm even. All is as it should be. Hell of a couch.

Age: 51-55

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Customer Rating:
By Dabbler from Auburn, NY

Not wide enough to sleep on. I had to order 3, cut them into segments, then fuse them all together. The entire process took me weeks, but now I have a giant cow bench I can sleep on. I can't remember why I needed to do that now, but it's good to have the option available.

Age: 36-40

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Customer Rating:
By SecondGenJuggalo from Dirt, MI

Snooze! Wake me up when there is a naked lady version of this.

Age: 26-30

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Customer Rating:
By Slamboree from Duluth, MN

I got a bit too rowdy watching wrestling and the cowch flipped over, trapping me underneath from the waste up. The sturdy resin body did a remarkable job completely muffling my screams to neighbors, and its heavy weight meant I was powerless to free myself. It is only by the grace of god that my landlord noticed the urine puddles flowing out from under my door and entered. After a trip to the ER, I was back to my old self.

This thing is built to last! Worth every penny.

Age: 31-35

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Customer Rating:
By ProudHead from Sheridan, WY

I was torn between ordering this or the matching Saddle-Up Horse Bench (Item NE-130004). I ordered that one, and I am pleased with it. Everyone who ordered the cow bench made a huge mistake. You're all idiots and you deserve the stupid cow bench you got. The horse bench is better in every way and I hope you all rot in hell.

Age: 41-45

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Customer Rating:
By TrueSurvivor from Nordman, ID

As close to curling up inside a hollowed-out cow as you're legally able to get under Barack Obama's dictatorship. Count me in.

Age 46-50

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)