SkyMall Product Reviews: Home Cellulite Smoother

This article is part of the SkyMall Product Reviews series.

Developed in France after 20 years of engineering research, the unit's motorized rollers use gentle suction and massaging pulsations to stimulate fat metabolism. This activates lipolysis--the natural breakdown of fat cells--and boosts the production of collagen and elastin, proteins that contribute to elasticity. Ideal for use on the thighs and buttocks, the device includes five detachable heads of different widths for smoothing and tightening skin elsewhere on the body, including the delicate areas around the eyelid, lip, and neck.

Customer Rating:
By John Smith from Hoot Springs, ID

I have been waiting centuries for a sign while marooned on this godforsaken world, clinging to hope. My kind have a saying: Watch the skies, for the Empire has not forgotten you. That sign has now appeared to me in the Sky...Mall. This device is nearly identical to the one my progenitor used to convert protein cubes into a convenient vapor for storage in his viscera sacks. This cannot be a coincidence.

I have ordered this device. I do not yet understand how to operate it properly in the way my people intended, but I will learn, then I will leave this awful place forever.

Age: 551-554

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Customer Rating:
By bniunbib from bf rvvr

Work good. Have using itt on face. No longerr have nose. Small holes ffor nostrils smooth, featureless face. Have getting lots of looks. Feel beautiful, not much else. sensation stoped. Right hand now just palm pad... fingers smoothd out. Typig hard.

Age: 36-40

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Customer Review:
By Plumpster from Macon, GA

The head on this device is awfully small and can easily become lost in folds of fat. I have been unable to remove it and it continues to vibrate. I think it has worn through skin and is now grinding away at exposed tissue somewhere on my backside. It hurts greatly and I am unable to unplug it since I cannot get up. My feet are stuck in the Shiatsu Leg Massager (item FB7262) and I have long since lost all circulation. I believe they are necrotizing. My right arm is tangled up in a Mobile Massage System (item 2510TGH) so I have very limited mobility right now. I am hoping this product takes effect and starts reducing cellulite so that I become thin enough to escape and go to the hospital. If not I will be very disappointed and ask for a refund.

Age: 46-50

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Customer Rating:
By Darrel from Ornery Hill, KY

Dropped this thing on my crotch and it instantly buffed my scrotum to a disturbing egglike smoothness.

Age: 36-40

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Customer Rating:
By Deter from Berlin, Germany

i'm a director for marilyn manson videos and i love to set this thing on reverse and dimple up marilyn's rump for just the right grotesque levels

Age: 46-50

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Customer Rating:
By Hern from Hazleton, PA

Seriously underpowered. I have been waiting for SkyMall to sell an upgraded model with more power. I've managed to iron all the cellulite into my left leg, around the knee joint. Every other part of my body is smooth and nigh on featureless, but I've got this big ol' clump of cellulite there I can't get rid of, no matter how much I use the smoother. If I could just get more power, I could finally get rid of this for good. No way am I wasting a single penny on another aesthetician.

Age: 36-40

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Customer Rating:
By 5CatMom from Toledo, OH

DOES NOT WORK AS ADVERTISED. Thought it would smooth out my fat, but all it did was move it to the right side of my body. Now I'm debilitatingly asymmetrical and can no longer hold down gainful employment as a toll booth operator.

Age: 51-55

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Customer Rating:
By Big Russ from Tallhead, AR

my cobra hated it.

Age: 31-35

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Customer Rating:
By PleasuredDad from Palm Springs, CA

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the copy for this states "Ideal for use on the thighs and buttocks." I tried this out on my buttocks using one of the more rounded heads to squeeze on in. Managed to get it in deep enough and activate. Worked well and got the ol' prostate firing on all cylinders. But then it started running extremely fast, and next thing I know light beams are shooting out of my eyes and projecting star charts on the walls. If this thing ain't designed for rectal use, SkyMall needs to state in no uncertain terms "NOT DESIGNED FOR RECTAL USE" instead of stating the exact opposite.

Age: 46-50

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Customer Rating:
By John Smith from Hoot Springs, ID

PleasuredDad, I am in route now. You will guide me home. We will leave this world together. Prepare.

Age: 551-554

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)