New Year, New Salt Lick

2019 has begun. Time to replace your 2018 salt licks.

Remove the salt lick from your bathroom. It is dangling from a length of rope above the toilet. Always just out of reach when you sit. Always blocking your view when you stand (if you stand).

Before you untie the salt lick, give it a lick for the first and final time. Thank you, salt lick. Thank you for your service. Thank you for being heavy and salt and roughly a cube.

Install the new salt lick in its place. Quickly, damn you! It might be better to have one partner remove the 2018 salt lick while the other installs the 2019 salt lick so there is no salt lick-less gap of time.

Remove the salt lick from your kitchen. It is stuffed in your bread box, directly on top of your bread. Your bread is squished. It is flat and compressed into a gummy substance unsuitable for sandwiches. Do not feel bad. Your bread knew what it was signing up for. It was either you or the bread. That's no choice at all. Only the cruel survive.

Give the kitchen salt lick a lick for the first and final time. Install the new salt lick in its place. Maybe add another loaf of bread in there first. Just to show bread who's in charge here.

Remove the salt lick from your bedroom. It is suspended in the exact center of the room, eight lengths of rope attaching it to the four corners of the room at both the ceiling and floor. Getting into and out of bed is an ordeal. You have lost count of the number of times you have tripped and fallen while simply trying to retreive an oversized foam cowboy hat from your dresser.

Give the bedroom salt lick a lick for the first and final time. Install the new salt lick in its place. Wonder why you're even using the bottom four ropes when the top four ropes would hold the salt lick in the exact same place.

As always, discard your salt licks in the proper place. Unceremoniously toss them in the nearest ditch, which should be on fire.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)