The Saddest Dear John Letters

Dear John,

Your face lit up when I finally told you that I love you last week. To be honest, I just said it to see if it felt right. It didn't.

I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but there it is.

Living with you has worn me down to a shadow of my former self. I thought this would be a happy experience. Instead, I feel trapped. Every day the walls between this horrible apartment and the life that's passing me by seem to grow a little thicker.

I'm going away to figure some things out with Tom, the guy I told you about from the gym. I can't say when I'll be back, but I left a month's supply of peanut butter in the pantry. If you get thirsty, you can use your Mickey Mouse stool to reach the faucet.

Respectfully,
Mom

Dear John,

As of our most recent system-wide tally, you officially have the highest Gamerscore on all of Xbox Live! You have played and beaten every single U.S. release, and even replayed dozens of international versions. Wow! That's some true dedication!

Keep up the great gaming,

Microsoft

Dear John,

The tests came back. There's no easy way to tell you this, but the results are exactly what I had dreaded. A very rare breed of termite has crawled into your nasal cavity (most likely while you slept), burrowed through the soft tissue beyond, and laid eggs in your cranium.

What can you expect?

In the coming weeks you will find yourself espousing the virtues of termites much more than usual. Should you encounter anyone that voices an opposing viewpoint on the matter, you will defend termites angrily. Within three months, you will most likely die.

There is, however reason to celebrate. You're in good hands. The lab that performed the tests has asked me to pass along the exciting news that, as their 10,000th customer, your workup was free of charge.

Congratulations,
Doctor Adelson

Dear John,

This is an automated message to confirm that your order (#00090129) has been processed and shipped. The contents of this package:

1 - xl "Epic Fail" Ironic Wolf shirt
1 - xl Philosophers W/ Mustaches shirt
1 - xm Dinosaur Jesus W/ Monocle & Top Hat shirt
1 - xl "This Shirt Isn't Very Funny Or Original, Neither Is Making Fun Of This Type Of Shirt" ironic shirt
1 - xl "When I Walk Backwards, This Reads 'Paul Is Dead, Kill Your Parents' " shirt

Sincerely,
funnyteeshirtz.biz

Dear John,

Thanks for the feedback!

Unfortunately, our show has been off the air for several years now. Even if we did return, our production company's long-standing policy precludes us from using fan-submitted ideas in future episodes.

Your script's numerous monologues denouncing the "fast-moving zombie agenda" were certainly unique and seemed well thought out!

Best of luck,
Jacob Rogers
Writer, Avatar: The Last Airbender

Dear John,

Your account has been created! Thanks, and welcome to the community!

Sincerely,
The Something Awful Forums Team

Dear John,

We are sorry to inform you that the address you inquired about -

JohnMyMomAbandonedMeIHaveTheHighestGamerscoreAndAwesomeTermitesInMyBrainIBoughtHorribleShirts
NoOneUsesMyGreatIdeasIJustPaidTenBucksForOtherNerdsToMakeMeFeelWorseAboutMyself@gmail.com

- is not available. Neither is the above address with any combination of numbers following it.

We are further sorry (and somewhat surprised) to tell you that by requesting such an unusually long e-mail address is a violation of the Patriot Act. You are now subject to phone tapping, warrantless searches, abrupt nipple pinching, and EXTREMELY reduced access to the Active Nuclear Bomb Launch Console Visitor Center in Washington, D.C.

Regretfully,
Gmail Staff

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)