SA Submission Tuesday: Science!

We here at Something Awful headquarters receive a lot of reader submissions for frontpage articles. Since I feel absolutely terrible for not printing any of them, I have decided to dub today as "SA Submission Tuesday," a slogan which doesn't rhyme and isn't catchy, but did take me less then five seconds to think it up. We've got two reader submissions about the mysterious entity known only as "science," which will hopefully entertain and briefly amuse you before you decide to inundate me with angry emails. For those of you who don't find reader submissions funny, I have decorated the page with images of actual Russian mail-order brides. I figure this will pretty much ensure that it appeals to everybody! Enjoy!

Lasing a Better Future
by Daniel Gudorf

These are trying times for America. Our economy is a brown clumpy mess floating in the toilet, and instead of only being afraid of ourselves and ghosts while ignoring the rest of the planet, Americans are now either terrified or annoyed by damned near everyone. We used to drink caviar soup from the enormous golden bowl of Endless Opportunity, but now the soup is all gone and terrorists are trying to steal the bowl so they can cook American babies in it and feed them to their own starving oil-fueled children. But God only closes a door when Satan breaks a window or something, so as dark as these days may be, we will overcome. While the rest of you dopes were spending the remainder of your savings accounts on guns and patriotic bumper stickers, I was clever and resourceful enough to seek employment at the one place guaranteed to be bursting with economy in Bush’s America; a military base. And because God really loves me, His Holy Righteousness put me to work right in the laser lab.

It’s this lab where I’ve been earnestly toiling for The Man these past few weeks, in deep awe of His synthetically generated amplified light beams. A couple of days ago, I was either working diligently and doing whatever I had to do to not get fired when it hit me: this summer, I must build for myself a laser cannon. Sure, it was probably going to be difficult to make, but it was something that I had decided I just had to do. Every time I tried to picture how much money it would cost me, I couldn’t help but visualize a high-power laser beam setting fire to all the bills and melting all of the coins while I laughed maniacally and waved my fist at the entire world. I was bound and determined not to return to school this fall without a lethal weapon, and a laser would help make this possible.

Fears that deadly laser guns embodied an impossible dream were dispelled by a quick browse through the Internet. Apparently there are whole cults of nerds out there who build their own lasers in their free time. And yes, with one type of homemade laser it is possible to create a heat beam capable of burning through solid wood! I was elated... or was I? Discovering that even I had the capability to make one of these things, believe it or not, made me a little depressed. It begged the obvious question, "why aren’t there more lasers everywhere?" Then I got to thinking that maybe America is in such sorry shape because our lasers are. Here we are, with annual military expenditures high enough to wipe out world poverty by force, and we’re still fighting with bombs, grenades and rifles like a bunch of lazy Irish. It’s embarrassing! I blush to say it, but I don’t even think that the lasers I’m working with on base are being developed to kill anybody! How is that possible in this day and age?

There is hope, however. The first step toward solving any problem is understanding it, and I have uncovered the two demons of modern lasing. You see, Dear Reader, there are basically two things we do with lasers in our society, but both of these things somehow contradict what a laser is supposed to be. We have bastardized the laser’s essence, shackled its being like a bird in a cage wearing a little birdie muzzle so it can’t even sing. Below I call these demons by name.

Optometry

Using laser beams for optometry, you call that progress? No I don’t, TV’s Tad Ghostal, a.k.a. Space Ghost. It’s backward, in both meanings of the word. Think about it; if a laser beam finds its way into your eye, what do you do? You blink and look away. I don’t care how drool-droppingly stupid you are, it’s just what you do on an instinctual level. Hell, every time I manage to find my cat, cowering behind whatever piece of furniture she believes can conceal her, wrestle her down on her back, pry her eyelids apart and shine my laser pointer down her pupil, she reacts in exactly the same way; aversion. All creatures great and small know that lasers are essentially blinding. Why, then, are we using them to cure partial blindness?

We have enslaved the laser’s spirit for far too long. I am calling for a crusade, one to be fought by valiant knights armed with The Long Sword of Poetic Justice. While religious fanatics bomb abortion clinics and assassinate doctors, our Laser Warriors will hide near optometry clinics and lase surgeons right in the eyes when they come to work. They will no longer have the eyesight needed to perform their wicked deeds, and they will at last come to respect the laser! And instead of having some wussy “Right to Blindness” protests outside the clinics, we can blind all of the nurses and run off with their purses.

Tracking / Distance Measurement

Whether it’s in academic research, surveying, landscaping for incredibly rich people, or for military usage, a common use of the laser is to measure distance or to find an object. Now, as you probably know, any given material can only do basically three things to light: in some combination it either absorbs it, reflects it, or lets it pass through. In distance measurement, most of the laser is being reflected, which precludes it from being absorbed by whatever the hell it’s zapping. But only in absorption can lasers unleash their fiery potential. Now if I want to measure distance, I’ll use a damn ruler. If I want to burn a hole through metal, I probably won’t use a ruler. I guess what I’m trying to say is that using light beams for distance measurement is a flagrant misuse of laser technology. As far as tracking and sighting, lasers eliminate their own usefulness. It’s superfluous, for example, to equip sniper rifles with laser sights. If the sight laser were a real laser, the snipee would be dead already, eerie wisps of smoke rising from his badly scorched remains. The History Channel once tried to impress me with a show about using lasers to find sub-radar aircraft. Why, The History Channel, should we meticulously scan for enemy aircraft when we can flood the no fly zone with deadly radiation?

Once we’ve defined lasers on our own terms, we must put them to good use. I’m doing my part and have already begun putting my cannon together. Let all the other guys have their “sweet rides” and beautiful girlfriends, I’ll be able to blow out their tires and disfigure their faces. Speaking of grotesque violence against women, I just want to clear something up: the laser movement that I’m calling for isn’t about misdirected cruelty, it’s about creating a better world for the underprivileged and unappreciated through the infliction of intense pain and debilitating mame-ery. With campus rape remaining a serious problem at our universities, and because those misogynist assholes running the show aren’t letting women bring guns onto campus, laser pistols just might be the answer. The beauty of the laser is that, apparently, it is a weapon that can only be created by quiet, shy nerds. As long as we are careful to keep lasers amongst our own kind, we’ll finally have a concrete advantage over our mouth-breathing counterparts, our cultural oppressors. The geeks shall inherit the earth, and the time of reckoning is at hand.

The Science® of Ass – How to Get a Piece in the 21st Century
by Tiernan “Scumbag” Ingram

Since the dawn of man, man has been trying to figure out ways to get women to sleep with him. Man has employed all kinds of tactics to this end, from clubbing and dragging a potential mate away to some shoddy cave somewhere, to buying expensive suits, cars, condos, and yachts to impress the target of man’s sexual desire, making them that much easier to club and drag away to some shoddy cave somewhere. Science® has given man new and better ways to metaphorically “club” women, not to mention faster cars and yachts, and boots made of stingray, so it is no longer only the strong males who may reproduce; even genetically inferior and evolutionarily unworthy freaks are spawning hither and tither! I am speaking here of such technological advancements as “Pabst” and “roofies” and “whores.” Yep, it looks like Science®, and sex, are here to stay!

Man has now come to a crossroads of sorts. Science® is all the rage these days, what with human clone babies being handed out by brazen hussies at most major cult recruiting events and aging billionaires being shot into space, I can only assume for quick and efficient disposal. Even a group of people as backwoods and buck-toothed as the Scottish are getting in on this newfangled Science® stuff: having sexual intercourse with cloned sheep is quickly replacing the old fashioned practice of fucking regular “home-brew” sheep. But you may be asking yourself, “Hey! What has Science® ever done for me?” If you are a diabetic, the answer is, “it has kept your insulin-soaked pseudo-corpse alive for the past twenty fucking years you ungrateful son of a bitch!” But on the off chance that you are not a diabetic, the question still remains: “What has Science® ever done for me?”

Well, hold on to your swollen testicles because Science® is about to drop some of itself for you to kick with your homies in the hizood wit da quickness an’ da nizzol, fo’ shizzol! That is to say, Science® is about to do for you something that you’re going to like and can share with your friends, for sure! Maybe not as much as you like rocky mountain oysters but a whole lot more than you like being on the receiving end of some prison rape.

Until now, it has been a mystery why any particular woman allows herself to be clubbed and dragged away by some males but not others. We know that certain factors, like stingray boots, increase the chances that a woman will find a man to be acceptable, but we do not know why. Nor do we know why these things work on some women but not on other, and in some cases “less-hot”, women. Billions of dollars of taxpayer’s money have been spent exhaustively researching this over the last 30 years, and the findings of a super-secret study, known only as "Project: Penetration" to those government officials sufficiently high up to know of its existence, have just been released in an easy to read form for non-scientists.

Here’s a translation of that last paragraph for all you non-scientific folks in the audience: It is now possible to figure out if that one broad is gonna do you or not, and why. Is it your breath? Could be... So here it is, the “Is she going to... y’know... him?” scale, a scientific predictor of whether or not a particular woman will sleep with a particular guy. Let’s have a look-see, shall we?

How to use this system:
This is a point-based system wherein a man needs to achieve a minimum score of 75 points out of a possible 100 points to, uh, score. There are ten categories. In each category, the woman’s rankings of the potential screw-mate will be recorded with a numeric value between 0 and 10. Whole numbers only please! And ladies, even though it’s tempting, no negatives! Remember, it’s for Science®.

If you are a woman, rate the man as you perceive him, not as others would. Remember, these are all subjective ratings. That’s why your best friend is willing to sleep with guys you wouldn’t touch... subjectivity! And guys, if you are trying to figure out how you stack up in the eyes of a woman, forget about it. This system can only be used as a very general indication. Your invariably flawed perceptions of her feelings about you will never be truly accurate, so at least try to be realistic in your ratings of yourself. At best you can get an idea of your odds. And these ain’t bookie odds, so don’t get too excited and start betting with your friends.

Categories:
Physical attractiveness – What you look like. Are you a stud or a dud? Bonuses for pecs, points taken away for man-boobs and visible parasites.
Personality – Almost everyone’s got one of these, so why is it that yours has to suck?
Sense of humor – Go punch an old lady. Did you proceed to laugh? If so, you get high marks!
Hygiene – How’s that breath? Showered this week? Do you even know where showers come from? Good!
Material wealth – If you drive a red Geo, you can pretty much give yourself a zero now.
Education and/or intelligence – It’s worth noting that education and intelligence are not the same thing. Education is something dumb rich people can have too, so be careful.
Morals and values – Do you sell children into slavery? No? Would you like to?
Long-termitude – Planning on leaving town? We’re not angry, just disappointed.
Mystery Category 1 – ????
Mystery Category 2 – ????

Ok, these are all pretty self explanatory, with a few exceptions. Long-termitude is a measure of a guys potential to be a long term relationship or even husband. This is sort of a catch-all for fatheriness, lack of terminal diseases, etc. The Mystery categories are ones that Science® may never know in any individual case, but mostly allow for individual preferences among women and chaos-theory. For example, a mystery category could be a duplicate of a category above if a woman happens to find one of these categories very important. It could be a second Physical attractiveness (superficial), Material wealth (gold-digger), Long-termitude (marriage-material huntress), or Ability to defrag hard drives really well.

So let’s say you have a superficial woman who has to have a good looking guy. She makes one of the Mystery categories a second Physical attractiveness. If there’s an ugly guy “tryin’ to get wit her”, she instantly rates him a zero in two categories (Physical attractiveness and Mystery 1) giving him a maximum score of 80, right out of the box. Nobody can come back from that kind of deficit, not even a crippled childrens sports team in a Disney movie. Similarly, she could award some dumb but hot guy an extra 10 points to make up for his semi-retardedness. If the woman is really gung-ho about a particular trait she can even go so far as to make that trait Mystery 1 & 2, that superficial bitch.

And there you have it! Science® has made it possible to figure out precisely who a woman will put out to. Science® improves human lives yet again! Man needs only go up to the woman of his choice, survey her opinions of him, make any necessary changes in himself and his lifestyle, return to the woman, survey her again to make sure her priorities haven’t changed because I swear women change their fucking minds something like every five fucking minutes, and explain to her how Science® has already determined that she is now going to have sex with him! So the next time you’re at home, consensually railing some dame that you clubbed over the head and dragged to your Porsche, drove home, dragged into your cave while carefully removing your stingray boots and placing them gingerly on the shoe rack in your closet, remember it was Science® that made it all possible! Science®!

Tigger Tigger Woods Ya'll!

Ryan "OMGWTFBBQ" Adams here with today's "Comedy Goldmine."

If you haven't noticed already, in today's day and age violence is very much a part of society. It's a part of everything we do, from obtaining oil from foreign countries to washing the dishes. It really makes me stop and wonder sometimes. Are we as the human race too violent? Then I start wondering about different things, like when Who's the Boss is going to be on, what the time is in Tibet, and why do greeting card companies still exist. Things like that. The SA Goons have taken it to another lever per usual, starting off with kicking the violence out of movies.Click here grasshopper, the stone is in another castle!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)