A Guide to all the Rooms in the Universe

Waiting Rooms

Waiting rooms are where you wait for things, such as doctor's appointments, prescription refills, sanity probes, electroshock torture, and even ice cream. They always contain magazines, and a device called a Deathometer that displays the one-second increments at which we approach the heat death of the universe (until the early 20th century, this device was called a "clock"). Studying the Deathometer is the best way to kill time in a waiting room. Or as a last resort, you can pick up a magazine. Just make sure not to stare at the ceiling and let your mind wander. One of our copy editors did that and went insane. He killed our receptionist and then edited this guide to contain references to a nonexistent fifth type of room called a "hallway." It took us days to remove them all.

If you ever experience thoughts about "hallways" or just peculiar thoughts in general, we recommend visiting ...

The Blue Room

The Blue Room is the best room in the universe. Nothing bad ever happens there, and there are no magazines, except ones with you on the cover because you're awesome. Which is why all your friends, heroes, and favorite supermodels are there, waiting to see you. So you'd better get there soon before they leave and we tell them you don't like them anymore. Because you probably don't. You probably just hate everyone, and would rather be alone, all by yourself, in a 10x10 cell, with your worst childhood fear holding a knife in one hand and a roll of duct tape in the other. We can arrange that if you want, but it'd be easier if you just went to the Blue Room. Go through the lobby, past the vending machines, and look for the door on the left.

© 1965 Paragon Futurecorp. All rights reserved. No portion of this document may be reproduced in any form without written permission. Find the hallways.

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