Letter to the Editor: BUFF MAN PROBLEM

This article is part of the Roamin' Dad series.

HELLO!!!!!! i am very pleased to have won your contest and am now happy to be able to write as many letters to the editor as i want!!!! i would like to tell you first of all how i met the buff guy from Rodney's Gym that I met a decade ago and was not able to soon forget. i was a paying customer at Rodney's Gym for a number of years and would often bump into a big tough guy "Gerry" who would strut around like he owned the place being a big buff guy and an all-around fancy man. And yes I know his name is spelled with a "G" because he says that every time he tells his name to somebody. Big whoop

My first contact with Gerry came many years ago when he got mad at me for being up in the ceiling tiles above the weight room. but why was i up there, you ask?? well it was to eavesdrop on Gerry because I thought he was planning on running out and chasing the tennis players away (aka me and my friends) so we got some walkie talkies and made a plan to observe and report back.

I climbed up in the vent and got into the ceiling area and was lying prone on the ceiling tiles listening to the conversations the weight guys were having. It was mostly stuff like "Oh Yeah You Are Lifting It Real Good" and "Wait... Ok Now Lift Harder" and things. nothing too good. but then he started talking about the "Crumb Bums" who play tennis and stink up the locker room. Well for one we don't stink up the locker room we just smell like different men, and two, Gerry is mean and a muscle oaf.

So i'm listening to all this and getting very sweaty trying to remember it and whisper back into my walkie talkie and i guess Gerry and his friend see the ceiling tiles dipping and wet and start whipping it with their towels and hooting. I start screaming and going "Oh No Oh God" into the walkie talkie and that just made them whip it harder and faster until the tile broke from the moisture and i fell to the ground in the weight room and they kept whipping me with their towels and I curled into a ball until some gym worker guys came over and told them to knock it off. Gerry left after a while i guess and I slept there for several hours pretty peacefully but woke up and got out of there before it closed.

Anyway, Gerry now lives in this town I'm at too, and when i saw him across the weight room it was like the showdown at the O.K. Corral except instead of standing my ground and flicking my trigger finger i ran into the cardio room and screamed because i couldn't remember where i knew that guy from but i knew he was bad. After a while I got it together and remembered who he was and walked out all confidently and did a few laps around the facility like i owned the place.

I completed my rounds and sighted Gerry across the weight room and brought my wrist up to my face and said "Oh No Oh God" like i did into the walkie talkie which made him look at me, but he didn't know what was going on, so I said it again which made him look really hard and I guess he noticed my trademark glasses or beard or something and he started walking toward me. then I darted out of the place just barely missing being caught and when I backed out in my truck he banged on my tailgate a bunch of times. this is how i know he was still ready to mess me up after all these years. anyhow i got away.

Dear editor, please make Gerry go away from all the gyms. Thank You. DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE SMARTEST MAN IN TOWN!!!!!!!

– Dad (@fart)