Subj: MY FURTHER REGRETS

This article is part of the Roamin' Dad series.

HELLO!!!!! I have seen no sign of sympathy for my Bad Man Sadness, but don't even worry because I am also writing a movie called "SORRY" where a bad man does things like illegally dumping an old christmas tree at the reservoir or pelting a kid with cherry tomatoes at a restaurant who deserved it, and then people thank him for his honesty and he gains the ability to talk with dogs, a modern day Tower of Babel for pets.

• I am sorry that when I enrolled you in a fancy preschool I gave them the phone number for the company downtown that puts on boat shows, and told them that your name was "Boat Show" so that when they called asking for money for Boat Show maybe they would agree on something and it could have worked out. I still don't understand how this didn't work.
• Said I was robbed in 1993 by four big men but I actually bought a CB radio and cassette deck to record trucker cuss words, but they stopped cussing by the time I got everything set up and I was too scared to explain this to anyone so I hid all the stuff in the attic.
• "Wow, That Mountain Lion Is Getting A Stiffy" - The only time someone other than my mother hit me with a purse (this happened at a zoo).
• I am sorry I joined that movie-watching club with you and your friends and when we were all discussing The Last of the Mohicans I called that guy "The Yoga Instructor-Looking Guy" because I didn't catch his name in the movie (fell asleep a bunch of times) I am sure it was a powerful film Sorry Brenda got mad.
• On Independence Day I went to a convenience store and pounded a bunch of chocolate milks before the cashier noticed, and when she asked me what was all over my mouth and chin I said "A Bad Case Of Hodgkin's" and I got away with it.
• Tried to coerce zoo security guard into opening fire on giant tortoise. Also tried to coerce zoo security guard to let me trade him my car for the same tortoise. Different security guard and different years though.
• I am sorry for the time you caught me waking up in the morning doing my morning routine. (Slowly stick my head out from under blankets and shout "The Miracle Of Birth... I'm Crowning!!!!" which makes the dog go nuts and bark and jump around)
• When you brought your date to dinner and they bragged about visiting every continent, I bragged that I had used a public bathroom immediately after two different Beastie Boys on two nonconsecutive occasions. I am only a little bit sorry for that because I still think mine is more impressive.
• I am sorry I insulted the Eskimo kid you went to school with by asking if the igloo he was born in was made out of car batteries.

I think that is almost it but I am a very sorrowful man and have a lot of secrets both good and bad. I am happy to tell you them though!!!!! Now, anyway!!!!!! BYE!!!!!!

THE MOST SORROWFUL MAN IN TOWN!!!!

– Dad (@fart)