Rioting for the Disabled

Operation rolling thunder prepares to tear down capitalism on the way to Arby's.The obvious downside to the blind masseur riot is that it would be pretty easy for the police to stop it. They can put a ramp down in the middle of the road and drive a truck up to the ramp. When the blind masseurs march up the ramp they would be walking right into the back of the truck. When its full, the cops close the doors and drive them to the blind jail.

It's interesting to consider how various handicaps might effect rioting.

A deaf riot would either be completely silent or a cacophony of overlapping tuneless chants. The rioters probably wouldn't heed very many police warnings.

There was a riot in the Netherlands or Denmark or one of those little countries that helped the Nazis that was all people in wheelchairs. I think they were mad about ramps. I mean to say they were angry about there not being ramps, not to suggest they were wild for ramps and just expressing that.

Rioting in a wheelchair probably would be pretty easy, you would just have to accept some limitations. Dalek rules rioting. No flipping cars unless you have a really big lever. No gravel or pools. No staircases, which really sucked for them because they were pretty much protesting staircases.

A wheelchair riot could be scary for the police if the cops made the mistake of setting up their line at the bottom of a hill.

A good thing about a riot is that it creates a lot of shared memories for you and your friends. When you see that girl you like from the office you can ask her, "Hey, were you at that riot?"

What are chemtrails actually good for if not to get rid of the harlequin people?"No," she might reply, "but I did hear about it on TV."

That's your chance to reel her in!

"I was there," you could say. "I stabbed a lady cop in the side with a screwdriver."

Imagine how much sweeter that conversation might be if the riot being discussed was a riot of nothing but flipper babies. Thalidomide has probably been responsible for some pretty awesome riots.

If I were planning a thalidomide riot I would make a deal with the people rioting against nuclear power plants. If they let us use their gasmasks and hazmat suits we'll lend them all our flipper people. Just dress them up in some rags and they can walk around screaming incoherently like atomic rejects from The Hills Have Eyes.

My favorite disabled riot of all would be a harlequin fetus riot. I think it's purely hypothetical, because those things barely every live beyond a few months, but there's an apocalyptic riot. The line of cops would be routed and flee before the sight of baby walkers filled with mewling monsters. Their unblinking bloody eyes would transfix those riot police with the courage to stay behind and in the final moments of their lives they would turn the water cannons upon themselves.

Now I just have to think of something harlequin fetuses might be violently against. Skin? Do they hate pupils?

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)