After an almost unanimously positive response to my "Kids Say the Darnedest Shit" article I have returned with more of the wit and wisdom from Mrs. Klinger's class at Whitebrook Elementary school. The questions once again cover a broad range of topics with unpredictable and often downright crazy answers.
Fasten your seatbelts, because you have no idea what those darn kids are going to say next!
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 | "I want to be a doctor that looks inside girls." |
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| "A goblin sapper." |  |
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 | "A mommy! I want to be one of the mommies that has the really little babies that you put in the special box. They're so tiny!" |
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| "I want to be America's box-office sweetheart." |  |
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 | "I don't know what it's called, it's where you live in a sewer and eat human poop." |
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| "The best is the sport of kings which is called gerrymandering." |
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| "I like the one with the ghosts and Pac Man. It's pretty scary." | |
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| "My favorite sport is pursuing the most dangerous game; automobiles." |
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| "Basketball is the best. There is nothing quite as amazing as watching those powerful and toned black men. It's like a pack of panthers fighting over a zebra carcass." | |
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| "Skeet shooting perfectly captures the horror of life as a duck." |
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| "I would jump out of a cake at my daddy and say 'happy halloween!' and then he would hug me because he would also have back the arms he lost to the combine." |
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| "I would finally catch the elusive spring fever." | |
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| "I would probably launch missiles at someone that everyone hates, like me." |
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| "I think it would be really cool to punch the queen of England right in her face. That would be a surprise to people." | |
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| "My mommy would buy me the Playstation she promised me when she sold all of my Ritalin to Paul Hucklebean." |
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| "Lunch! Nothing gives me more pleasure than feeling myself get fatter. It's like putting on a snow suit really slowly! Sometimes, if I listen really close, I think I can hear the fat." |
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| "I love music class because the singing drowns out the sound of the voice telling me to kill." | |
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| "History is great. I just can't stop laughing about that holocaust. I'm like 'whatever Mr. Schwarzbaum, okay, sixty bajillion Jews died' and he gets mad, but I still can't stop laughing." |
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| "Math class is probably my favorite. It's way better than English class because numbers don't love or hate." | |
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| "I would have to say art class. I turned in a blank sheet of paper and got an A+ because Miss Hooper said it was a minimalist masterpiece." |
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| "My best friend is a hot meal and a cold shower after a long night working the metal press." |
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| "My best friend is Jerry Crenshaw. He is nine feet tall, invisible, and he promises that the streets will run red with blood if the bullies don't lay off of me. He has a plan." | |
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| "Mommy is my best friend because she opens her hand when she strikes me." |
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| "My favorite friend is the helicopter. Without it where would we be? Not on top of helipads, I can promise you." | |
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| "I would say that my best friend is Sally. She taught me everything I know about showing just enough to get some attention, but not so much that I look like a slut." |
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| "I would like to be a canine heartworm because I love my puppy Scrapples." |
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| "I think I would like to be a tiger because the lion is the king of the jungle and that's just way too much responsibility." | |
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| "Eskimos are my favorite animal and I would love to live in a city of ice and eat baby seals." |
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| "I think it would be neat to be a bear like my two dads are." | |
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| "Daddy says there is no way that humans came from monkeys so I would like to be a monkey that has a human baby to prove him wrong." |
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| "When mommy and daddy aren't home I like to try and pry open the locked box on the top shelf of their closet. I think it belongs to daddy and I bet it's full of fun things that I can point at my friends." |
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| "Prayer and abstinence." | |
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| "Mommy says my hobby is running around like a fool but that's actually what I do as my job. My real hobby is dancing like a moron." |
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| "Nation building." | |
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| "I would say video games, but that's just a guess, because I'm not sure what you call it when your daddy shoots at you with a crossbow and you try not to get hit in the face." |
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| "Knock-knock. [Who's there?] Orange. [Orange who?] Orange you glad this isn't that joke where I say banana over and over again until you get mad and want to lock me in the cellar?" |
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| "Have you heard about the new run-flat Italian tires? Dago wop-wop-wop." | |
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| "How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb? Probably one unless the light bulb is really high and you need another one to hold the ladder steady." |
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| "I don't know what the joke is called but it's the one where you make a Polish person either cry or hit you." | |
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| "There is this talent agency and they are looking for fresh talent in the region so they put up posters everywhere. After a long day of casting calls the talent agent's secretary announces that the last candidates are ready to perform. A family of four walks into the talent office, a mother, a father, a girl and her younger brother. The little brother lays down a cardboard mat and the father sets a boom box on the talent agent's desk. He presses play and this really fast rap music starts playing. The talent agent says wearily, 'well, let's see the act.' With no further introduction they break into their routine. The young girl pulls off her father's tear-away pants and starts sucking his dick, while the mother starts eating the little boy's asshole. Once he's hard she picks him up and the father bends over and she starts feeding his dick into the dad's asshole while the daughter bends over underneath him and starts fucking him. The mother switches back and forth between licking balls and licking her daughter's pussy while her husband fucks her. When the father is just about to cum in his daughter he pulls a funnel out and sticks it in the mother's ass. He and his son beat each other off into the funnel until they fill the mother's ass up with cum, then the father pulls the funnel out of her ass and she squats over the daughter's face and shits the cum into her mouth. The daughter snowballs the shitty cum to the son and the son snowballs the cum to his dad and then finally the mother takes her glass eye out and the father drools the mouthful of cum into the mother's eye socket. They all stand up and spread their arms apart, cum running down their faces and shit all over them, and they cry in unison, 'we're the aristocrats!'" |
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I hope you enjoyed hearing from the students of Mrs. Klinger's class as much as I enjoyed talking to them. Maybe someday I'll make it up there again to have another talk with her delightful class.
– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)
