Things To Do With The Remote Controlled Helium-Powered Inflatable Shark Balloon Your Girlfriend Got You For Your 30th Birthday

For my 30th birthday this year, my girlfriend got me a remote controlled helium-powered inflatable shark balloon. Useless? Hardly. Here's a list of fun things ANYONE can do with a remote controlled helium-powered inflatable shark balloon!

• It's a great way to tell people you resent becoming an adult.

• It's a great conversation starter, if the conversation you're looking to start is, "Why do you have this? Aren't you an adult?"

• You can attach a sign to it marked "My Hopes & Ambitions," then use the remote control to fly it out to sea.

• You can take funny Instagram photos with it, hope they get a lot of likes, get sad when they don't, then cry yourself to sleep.

• It pairs well with your remote controlled helium-powered inflatable sense of self-loathing.

• You can put it in your profile picture if you're worried you're TOO employable.

• Name it "Finn." Then, when nobody shows up to your Wrestlemania party, you can turn to it and say, "This is your fault, Finn."
  

• One day, when you kids ask why they live in a tiny apartment while their friends live in "a real house," you can show them the balloon. And they can go, "Ahhhhhh. Now our lives make sense."

• Use it to ferry a very small amount of drugs across a teeny, tiny border.

• If it ever popped, you might actually experience non-ironic human emotion.

• You can use it to raise awareness of the earth's helium shortage while also having a fun time with helium.
  

• When you girlfriend leaves you due to your depressingly fatalistic rants about remote controlled helium-powered inflatable shark balloons, the shark can be your new girlfriend.

• It's the funniest possible method of delivering child support payments.

– Asterios "President Baby" Kokkinos (@asterios)