America is feeling the pinch of rising fuel prices and, as a result, the rising price of just about everything from Funyons to Foxes. We contacted our six favorite voters to allow them to weigh in on the big economic issues facing our nation.
| Has the recession affected you personally? | |
 Dawn CatwandPrayer Bus Volunteer | "Oh, goodness no. I don't trust banks. No, luckily for me I have been scrimping and saving and putting every dollar into my Beanie Baby collection. It's my safety net." |
 Sgt. J.J. PillockU.S. Army | "Can't afford the pills that are supposed to keep me from climbing the clocktower with a rifle, but I ain't complaining. Other than the whole 'no legs thing'. I'll have to check Google Maps to see if they list clocktowers that are handicap accessible." |
 Rhett RacecarMILF Hunter | "Nah, bra. The thing about cougars is a shit ton of them do shit, like, with the government. As long as nobody gets in the government that doesn't like federal lobbyists I'm on easy street." |
 Brian MultitoastUnemployed Hemp Advocate | "Unfortunately, the hemp zine I worked for will be publishing all of its future rants in the form of Youtube videos. There goes my 80 dollars a month plus my margin on copier fees." |
 Jeineane FizzUnemployed | "I finally lost my job working for an ad agency. You know Go-Gurt? Yeah, that was us. Turns out when the going gets tough the yogurt doesn't get going." |
 Rudy GiulianiImmigrant | "Bridge engineers have pretty awesome job security. Do you have any idea how many wagon tongues America would be going through every month without bridges?" |
| What do you plan to do to cope with the recession? | |
| Dawn Catwand Prayer Bus Volunteer | "I could cut back on getting my cats fixed, but that's fine because I love my babies, and their babies, and their babies' babies." |
| Sgt. J.J. Pillock U.S. Army | "Luckily for me the VA hospital provides a cup of rice and a piece of black bread every day. And a guy comes in once a week and he will just give you a Bible. You can just say you lost yours and he doesn't even ask what happened to the other one. Got a whole drawer full of the fuckers. Now I just gotta figure out how to contact this Craig guy to put them on his list and bingo." |
| Rhett Racecar MILF Hunter | "Gas, man. It's all about gas. Traded in my old Civic and got me a '94 Suburban. Holds like 200 gallons in that sucker. Only have to fill up once a week. " |
| Brian Multitoast Unemployed Hemp Advocate | "I'm gonna let you in on a little secret that they don't want you to know: rent your furniture. Who needs that sort of thing for more than a few years anyway?" |
| Jeineane Fizz Unemployed | "I've been spending all my free time watching TLC and driving around and I got this awesome idea. There is this whole street of houses that aren't finished near where I live. They are these beautiful two-story 3,000 square foot houses and they're just boarded up like the people building them gave up. I am going to talk to my family and try to get the money together to flip those suckers." |
| Rudy Giuliani Immigrant | "I refuse to cut back on my lifestyle. Worst case scenario, Europe has rivers. China has rivers. Somewhere out there someone is in need of a way to navigate across said rivers without relying on a ferry." |
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The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
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