Pretty much the best part of getting older and wiser is passing helpful anecdotes on to the next generation. Knowing that people will benefit from your knowledge is probably very rewarding when you're old and waiting to take your next round of pills or die, whichever comes first. Unfortunately I'm only 21 and I don't have any helpful anecdotes yet, in fact you'll probably lose brain cells from some of these, but I still like telling them to anyone who will listen because it makes me feel well-traveled and smart. They're all pretty short too, which means you can write them on the insides of your hands and impress dates with your worldly experiences.
n high school gym class one afternoon someone climbed up on top of the lockers in the locker room and found a lost pair of briefs that was home to more skidmarks than Nascar. They were several years old at least and whoever left them must have been wearing them for at least a week beforehand because it looked like a brown cosmic nebula. After kicking them at people for a few minutes someone eventually got the great idea to pick the ancient underwear up with a stick and chase people around with it. It was all fun and games until whoever had it threw the underwear across the room and nailed this guy Chad in the head. They landed square on his head and when he realized what was up he began flailing his arms and let out a horrifying, blood-curdling scream. Once his wild shuddering knocked them loose one of the coaches came by and picked them up and put them in the garbage (also using a stick).
nother time in high school we had a substitute teacher who wore a white shirt and you could clearly see his nipples through it. They were big and dark and the size of a fist. Everyone was pretty giggly about it and I think he caught on because about halfway through the class he put his jacket on.
ack in 6th grade there was a girl named Julie who had scabies or some kind of bug infestation all over her arms and one time we saw her way out in the field alone during recess pulling them out with her teeth. One day this girl Alex overheard us talking about it and asked us what scabies were, and we said they were some kind of doll and that if you asked Julie to see her scabies she'd show them to you. Naturally, she went over and asked to see Julie's scabies, and she started crying. She was out of school for a little while and when she came back her scabies were gone.
n 7th grade I was lucky enough to have Mr. Clarke's art class, which was basically "fool around with clay while Mr. Clarke watches TV" class. It was easily the most fun because nobody had to actually do anything and it was so laid back that everyone pretty much just talked the whole time. Often times Mr. Clarke would go the entire hour just watching CNN without saying a word. Then one day during the regular classroom chatter I could hear someone in the back begin to make beatbox noises. Mr. Clarke immediately stood up and shouted, "WHAT THE FUCK?!" and the room was silent for like 30 seconds until he sat back down and resumed watching TV. Nobody ever beatboxed again.
ne time I was over at someone's house for their birthday party and I think I killed their older brother's iguana because they had this little heating rock for it with a knob and I was fooling around with it at one point. I don't remember exactly but I think I might have left the rock on the highest setting because the next day the iguana died.
n 5th grade I tried out for the talent show and I don't even remember what my talent was, just that I didn't make it. Anyway, we all had to sit around and watch each other try out and I remember some homeschool kid showing up with his mom and they were prepared. He came complete with an MC Hammer getup and graveyard set pieces. His bit was lipsyncing "Addams Family Groove" which he did remarkably well and even did a pretty good MC Hammer dance to go along with it. They told him he made it in but apparently he never showed back up for rehersals or the final show, and nobody ever saw him again after that.
was about 11 when I went to this kid Eric's birthday party. Eric lived a few miles out in the country and he had these two yellow labs that were some of the biggest dogs I've seen to this day. During the party one of them knocked a plate of devilled eggs off a table and ate all of them and nobody said much about it. About an hour later it came into the family room where we were all playing and doing whatever and wanted to be let outside. It sort of whined for a few seconds and when nobody came to let it out the door it went into the corner and started groaning and growling and getting sick out of both ends. We pretty much had to evacuate that room for the rest of the party, which was a bummer because the Nintendo was in there.
uring 3rd grade our teacher was a Broadway reject who insisted on teaching us useless stuff like performing arts and ballet poses and pretty much everything in the world a 9-year-old male would think is stupid. One day she told us she was going to teach us something new and we should all move our desks up against the wall. This kid Hector's desk was right next to the teacher's desk and when he moved it we could see the word "ASSBONES" written on the side of the teacher's desk in permanent marker. Nobody knew what it meant but she completely flipped out at Hector and suspended him even though he denied doing it, and as far as I know Hector's nickname remains "ASSBONES" to this day.
Tryin'a Catch Me Ridin' Dirty
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