Essential Quicksand Safety Tips

Quicksand isn't just a convenient trap in cartoons and old movies; it kills nearly five people annually, with nearly two of these instances being honest mistakes instead of suicides. Find out how to protect you and your loved ones with convenient tips about nature's slowest and most uncommon killer.

• Though its general color and texture resemble those delicious Pecan Sandies made by the Nabisco corporation, resist all urges to eat quicksand. While its water content can safely be consumed by the human body, the surrounding sand is loaded with carbs and remains mostly indigestible. Within hours, you'll be fat and dead.
• Stumbling upon a pit of quicksand in your backyard may have you thinking you'll never need to visit another gas station again. But don't start filling your tank with it just yet--most, if not all, vehicles require some sort of combustible liquid in order to power their various parts. Cut it with gasoline if you must, but the majority of mechanics recommend a fuel lacking countless tiny rock fragments for ideal performance.
• Pets and quicksand don't mix. While even the smallest breed of dogs can easily find their way out of your standard quicksand pit, the wet sand stains left on furniture and floors are a different story altogether. Quicksand may not kill your pet, but it will kill your apartment deposit--often the silent victim in most quicksand-related incidents.
• Under no circumstances should you use quicksand as a sexual aid. While it may work towards delaying the orgasm, the sheer amount of sand involved between moving parts may lead to extreme chafing. To prolong sexual activity, stick to old-fashioned techniques like picturing your grandmother naked, or turn to the reliable numbing powers of cocaine.
• Do not attempt to build a hostile YouTube personality around your distaste for quicksand. Both Angry Quicksand Steve and Frank, Who Loves Minecraft but Hates Quicksand failed to hold onto their fleeting social media popularity for long.
• Regardless of its semi-exotic status, quicksand makes a poor gift for any occasion. Even if presented artfully, prepare to be ostracized if you give quicksand to a loved one during a birthday or anniversary. Even as a gag gift, quicksand is uninspired and confusing.
• Quicksand pits may seem like the perfect place for an Easter Egg Hunt, but, contrary to popular belief, children do not enjoy wet, bog-like environments for more than a few minutes at a time. Besides, the nature of quicksand will make these buoyant eggs too easy to find. Challenge your little ones by placing these prizes near the nests of infamous neighborhood pit bulls, or adjacent to gaping storm drains.
• If you find yourself in a quicksand pit, don't worry: If properly hydrated, you have roughly 30-40 days to easily escape it and avoid starving to death, as is the case with any other scenario in life.

– Bob "BobServo" Mackey