This Article Isn't About Gay Devil-Worshipping Bikers

did my cat goto heaven when it died? it died of cancer if that matters... and it had 5 toes instead of 4... i hope Jesus didnt hate it for being mutated.
-Kellyn :D

Hey Kellyn :D. No, Jesus didn't hate your cat because it was mutated. Jesus doesn't hate anything but sin and Satan and Muslim people, which are basically three words for the same thing. On the other hand, cats can't get into heaven because heaven is only for people, and imagine how much of a drag it would be if there were all these animals of all kinds just kinda hanging around on your cloud and you'd be like "Jesus, why are there fifteen hamsters on my heavenly throne?" and he'd say "Well, I couldn't keep them out because I don't hate them." You see how bad that'd be?

So your cat is going to hell, I guess. But it might like it. Cats are kind of weird.

Alright, before I show you this last one I should warn you that it's really intense and talks about penises and farts and, like, frogs and stuff. Maybe you've heard warnings just like this before, but believe me about this one:

dear joshua taylor, age 13,

my lover told me that the Sin of Sex is only the Sin if both she likes it and it can make her with child, so to make it not a Sin but just something fun we put it in her rear private.
i read all of the Bible and it only says that men putting it in the back private of another man is bad, so im not worried about that part of it.
but what happened was: not the first time we did that (which was fun but i got a little bendy at the start and it hurt) but the second time, while i was putting it in there she did a thing that i thought that good girls did not do which was pass gas. that part was bad enough. but the fact that i was just putting it in there but not all the way made my foreskin inflate like a bull-frog.
i drew a picture of what happened cause no one i told has had it happen to them.
my question is: is it a Sin?
and if it is a Sin: is it a Sin because the gas made it bad, or because my place looked like a bull-frog which was almost like doing it with an animal.
and will I go to hell because of what happened then and how do i make it not happen again cause it made me sick.

thank you for your time. yours in Christ,
Jonathan Purtill

I don't have any answer for this one, because there is no way I could explain to my youth pastor that I read all that stuff. My eyes kinda shut off the first time I saw the "S" word. I'd just like to give Jonathan here one last quote from the Bible which might solve whatever problems he had (I don't know what those problems are, I didn't read the email): "For thus I spake: What did I say about sex words? Gross. Those words are really gross. I shall not abide them. Or farts. Sex words and farts are completely out." (Judges 3:17).

Ok, that's it from yours truly. I hope I made you laugh and maybe think a little. You can email me to tell me what you thought of it, but try to keep it clean because my youth pastor and my mom are going to read over everything you send me real close they said, and they also said that he is moving in and not to believe anything dad says from here on out.

Cool. See ya!