A Psychic Date With Gary Spivey

Girl, my astral body is projecting into the night. I'm flying through velvet skies of blackest dark and I am swooping around looking for your heart. It is glowing, girl. Like a spotlight only red with passion. I touch your face, girl, and you come up out of your body. You are so beautiful. I think you are beautiful. The stars are beautiful.

We are flying to Paris where I will show you the Eiffel Tower. Look at it, girl. It is so pretty. Like your eyes are pretty. Baby, I can see the future, I help solve crimes with this stuff, and I am seeing you and me and a hotel room. What do you think, baby girl? You want to go to a hotel with Gary Spivey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, my kinaesthesphere is out of alignment. I am way getting ahead of myself on this one.

It's Christmas, baby. Let's fly around over all the neighborhoods with the reindeer and stuff. Haha, I'm just kidding, you know Santa isn't real. But I am. Gary Spivey is real. I got you this necklace. Here, I want you to try it on, then I want you to awaken your mind's eye and read the spiritual power of the necklace. Do you feel those psychic events linked to the necklace? Yeah, that's right, I did put it on my naked body earlier. But naked is pure. Naked is clean. Girl, I had just taken a shower so it was fine. Baby, that necklace cost me thirty dollars at Target, don't be throwing it out the psychic car window.

Girl, let's project ourselves to Applebees. My ectoplasmic emanations are rumbling and I need some frozen margaritas and a chicken fingers platter. You like chicken fingers, girl? They heighten my Tantric readiness.

Gary Spivey is looking through the veil of time and seeing me and you in my car, making out, and you're sort of letting me put my hand up your shirt. Over your bra, baby. Over your bra! Don't be that way, girl.

Girl, Gary Spivey wants to kiss on your neck. That smell? That's sage girl. I give myself a smoke bath before every date to purify my spirit. Yeah, I know girl. I set off the smoke detector in my apartment building and I got fined by the building manager, but it was worth it, girl.

Whoa, girl! Slow down! Gary Spivey only brought cash and those shooters are not going to pay for themselves, unless you want to go halvesies. You know, I've got a bottle of chilled sparkling wine back in my hotel. Why don't we go there? Well, Gary Spivey is very frugal, that is what the spiritual realm and spiritualness in general teaches you. I didn't save the money to open a psychic retreat by spending six dollars a shot at Applebees.

Baby, you are really drunk, and Gary Spivey likes that. Let me help you out to my car. Absolutely, girl. I am a gentleman. I will drive you straight home. Whoa, sorry, that was totally an accident how I just touched your ass right there. Oops. Oops again. Hey, that time wasn't an accident. Whoa! Okay, okay, Gary Spivey is just having some antics here. Give a Gary Spivey a break and put the pepper spray back in your purse.

Aaaaah! No, no, I'll be okay. Aaaaaah, God, it's curdling my ectoplasm. Right in the eyes! Gary Spivey just needs to thrust his face into this snow drift for a few minutes and then your chariot awaits. No, no! Don't call a taxi, girl. Gary Spivey is a commensurate gentleman. I just need a minute to, good God, God almighty. This stuff just doesn't stop. It's like a curse or something. Ohhhh, God, my eyes are all swelled up.

Okay, I think…if I squint I can see through the tears. No, no, girl, you are way too drunk to take a taxi. Someone might take advantage of you. Let Gary Spivey take you home. Straight home. Gary Spivey swears on the infinite realms of the beyond.

Whew, that's better. I can see okay now. Girl, are you still awake? Okay, just checking. It is a beautiful night. Would you like to drive up to- No, okay, straight home it is, then. You know - AAHHHHH!

Shit, are you okay? I didn't see that car coming. Gary Spivey has to get out and exchange insurance, just stay here. No, Gary Spivey is well under the legal limit, he's just a little impaired by that- Well, no, if you hadn't overreacted so much. No, Gary Spivey does not use that kind of language, but I will not "go F myself" thank you very much. Now you just sit tight and try to calm yourself down. Could you hand me my registration out of the glove box?

Hey girl, I'm back. It looks like…oh, are you asleep? Hello, baby? Hmm…let me just open up a couple of these buttons. It will help you sleep better. There, that's nice. Now my hotel room is closer and it's so late that I think I had better just take you there. Girl, that is so cute the way you fart when you are sleeping. Everyone has that happen, you know, even a Sagittarius. Oh, girl, Gary Spivey is going to open a couple more buttons so you are even more comfortable. Here we- oh, you're awake. No, no. Gary Spivey was just buttoning up your blouse. It had come open from all the jostling and vibrations in the car, girl.

No, girl, this is a shortcut to your place. No, it really is. Let me just - calm down - let me just hang a U-turn. Gary Spivey is a man of his word. So what was your favorite part of the night, girl? I like when I rubbed my front up against you at the Eiffel Tower. That was transcendent. Here we are, girl. Would you mind if I came in for a night cap? Oh, no, I understand. It's late. Hey, can I use your bathroom real quick. No? Gary Spivey will deal with it. I've got a cup I can go into right here on the floor of the car. It was really good to go out with you. I will call you. No, I've got your number from reading your thoughts just now. Well, you don't have to be- Alright, good night.

Gary Spivey is alone now. It's dark. It's all dark. The tempest rages outside the perception of men, but Gary Spivey sees. The boundless dark of the beyond is here. The great void will keep Gary Spivey company. Hey, this package of Bugles hasn't even been opened! Sweet! Road snack!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)